"You put your tongues in each other's mouths?! Gross!"

The title of this post is a sentiment that I related to one of my friends back when I was fifteen or sixteen and in high school. My friend loves to embarrass me tell that story to new boyfriends. What can I say? It seemed pretty gross to me at the time.

I didn't actually have my first kiss until I was almost seventeen, probably because my middle school and early high school years were full of fashion mistakes and bad haircuts my super shy years. It just so happens, I'm still not big on the whole use of tongue.

I've had a fair amount of different boyfriends since that first kiss, and I've noticed that they all have one thing in common -- each one of them kisses differently.

Have you ever experienced that person that seems really intent on licking your tonsils? I've had him, and it's the most awful thing ever. I think the sailor in that picture was going for the esophagus. I mean, who ever taught them that choking your date to death is a good idea?

I find that the only way to handle this is to pull your head back. I absolutely do not recommend kissing them while laying on your back -- then you're trapped! Beware accidental suffocation!

How about the type of kisser that just kind of puts their slug tongue in your mouth and it just lays there, like it's dead? I have never actually kissed anyone who does this, but I've heard stories. And been grossed out by all of them. I don't understand the reasoning behind it, myself; how could that possibly be a pleasant sensation?

Then there's the non-participating kind of kisser. You know the type: they don't really open their mouth much, don't turn their head when you do, don't put their hands on you, and do not react at all if you do manage to get your tongue involved. They're always tense, too, like they're scared of what you're doing to them. It's super creepy because it feels like you're making out with someone very inexperienced (i.e. a child).

Or, there's the kind that opens their mouth far too wide and eats your face. THAT is also very unpleasant.

Of course, on the other hand, there is my favorite type of kisser, the relaxed type that just sits back and enjoys the inappropriate groping making out. That would be the one that sticks mostly to lips-only kisses with a half-open mouth, changes head positions (right? left?), gets hands involved with the neck, hair, and... et cetera, varies speed and pressure, and makes it generally clear that they are enjoying it and having fun, which is really the whole point.

I don't really have a point to make here. I've just been fantasizing about the boy's lips bored at work and thinking about the subject.

NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

We're having a little goodbye dinner for my friend tonight. He is moving all the way to Chicago to go to grad school for public administration. Apparently, the appropriate goodbye is a plateful of fajitas (Fah Jee Tas) with a small group of your close friends.

I am very proud of him and think the path he has chosen is a great one, but it really blows that he's leaving. We have all come to a consensus on this. So to him, I say good luck, and also, if you don't come back I'll break your legs be upset.