It's the Devil's juice...

Let me tell you a story about a little girl. Said little girl lived with her mother, but used to spend every other weekend over her grandfather's house. Grandfather was a slave to several vices, including gambling, smoking, and a funny little thing called coffee.

Little Girl was a curious little creature. She and Grandfather would watch television in the evenings, and when Grandfather would leave to make them some awesome buttery popcorn, Little Girl would steal a sip from his unsupervised coffee mug. Grandfather would pretend not to notice, despite Little Girl's shit-eating mischievous grin when he returned to the room.

Over time, Little Girl sneaked bigger and bigger sips, finally getting to the point where a half full coffee cup would become mysteriously empty. This may explain why she only grew to be 5'2", but that is another tale. Eventually, Grandfather took his mug with him, because he believed caffeine was unhealthy for sweet Little Girl.

I was, at most, five years old when this occurred. Since then, I have never had another drop of coffee... until today. Today, I decided that since I'd had only 3 hours of sleep and quite a few glasses of wine last night, I would choke down a cup of awful, awful coffee. And I grudgingly admit that I feel pretty good after having it.

But now I want another.

Look at it. Just sitting there, trying to be cute, trying to lure you in. Don't let it fool you. It's the Devil's juice, that stuff! It's all, "Yeah, you wanna drink me. Yeah, I'll make you feel good. Yeah, I taste pretty awful, but you get used to it. Yeah, do it. Have another. Dooooooooooooo it."

Well, you shut up, you monster! I don't have to listen! I can cover my ears and sit on the floor, rocking back and forth and singing under my breath to drown you out. Don't think I won't -- you don't know what I'm capable of!

To all non coffee drinkers: don't be tricked by the tricky coffee's tricky trickery. It's all a clever ruse for a conspiracy that I don't dare pretend to know what it is. Also, beware of tea -- I began drinking tea only a few months ago; it is a gateway beverage. It opens you up to other beverages. Consider this your warning.

Trust no drink.

Edit: It is now 12:06PM, and I am SUPER hyper. Like, bouncing my leg 75 times a minute hyper. This is awesome Beware the side effects!

Now I have to pee again.