Self realization?

I've been learning things about myself lately that I didn't realize before. For example, it turns out I have a thing for redheaded boys. This preference did not actually occur to me until I discovered how much I love [boy's name]'s hair. Obviously, he is a redhead. Following this discovery, I put the pieces together and realized that I have adored reds since meeting ex-boyfriend's redheaded brother. I don't know if that triggered my sudden magnetic pull toward redheads, but I can't remember having a preference before him. Either way, I can confidently admit that I dig redheads (mainly male, but there are many hot redheaded females, as well) without throwing in an "I think" after saying so.


Somewhat in relation to that, it has occurred to me just today that I am an incredibly stubborn person. See this?:

Yeah, that's me. I'm not so much talking about little things -- I can admit when I am wrong, usually, and even apologize for it. But I am most certainly the kind of person that, if pushed, will refuse to budge. Push harder, I'm going to fight harder. Pull on my face... well, I hope no one pulls on my face like that.

I don't care what it is, I just hate to be pushed on anything, even something I'm interested in. If you said, "Jamie, you have to go play in that pit of plastic balls and then come have a seven scoop ice cream cone," I'll claim that ball pits are retarded and I'm not hungry. The former statement is a bald-faced lie, and the latter is illogical -- you can NEVER be too full for ice cream.

"Jamie, you have to go to college." Fuck college. "Jamie, apply to grad school." Screw that. "Jamie, write a fucking story." Stories are for assholes. "Jamie, take this free money and go buy a Ferris wheel to keep in your yard." ... Okay, no one actually said that one.

The good news is that I almost always come around if it is something I want to do or think will be good for me to do. Obviously, I did go to college, and I did apply to grad schools. I still write when I want to (the only reason I don't love school is that I hate being pushed into doing homework and papers), but at least I'm writing.

And who wouldn't want their own, personal Ferris wheel?

I do the same thing in relationships. I dated a guy for a short period (a month or two) who was always accusing me of not putting enough effort into things. He tried to push me into contacting him more and spending more time with him and being generally more aggressive. Needless to say, when I rebelled and did the opposite, we didn't stay together much longer. You just can't do that to me.

You know, I think this could be related to how pissed I get if a guy pushes on the back of my head during a blowjob - not that anyone likes it, but most women settle down after a bit. Not me. I get angry and defiant and that's that.

I guess, in conclusion, I'm just saying: don't tell me what to do and don't choke me with your penis. I am fully capable of making my own decisions (and deep throating), but I will do so on my own terms.