Have you ever stood back and taken a good look at yourself, at who you are, at what you've done and your motives... and been absolutely disgusted to find that you aren't who you believed yourself to be?
In that moment, shock does what it does best and time seems to stop. In this impossible, physics-breaking eternity, you take a good, hard look at yourself. Did you really just do that/say that/make that decision? Why, why would you do that? That's not at all like you.
Well, let me tell you what happens next. You get angry. Not the typical someone-else-just-fucked-my-significant-other angry, but a burning, deeper anger. A helpless anger. There's no target to lash out at, no one to aim your rage at. There's only you. If you're anything like me, that's probably the scariest place to be, alone with yourself. Most people are far from kind with their own person, and when there's no one else to blame, there's only you, naked and unable to hide.
This is not a pleasant view. I suppose it differs for everyone. For me, I just saw a scared little girl. She was cowering, though there seemed to be no overt threat. Just afraid of everything, I guess. Afraid, perhaps, because she was weak.
In high school, my friends always used to insist that I needed to learn to stand up for myself, to learn to say no. “Jamie,” they would say, “if you don’t want to do it, just say so. That’s all you have to do.” I never really did learn to do that; I still feel the need to make up excuses whenever I’m not inclined to say yes.
I wonder if that works the other way, too. I rather think it does. If I want something, all I have to do is try. Well, why wouldn’t anyone be capable of that? I always thought I was. It seems, though, watching that little girl tremble and hide her face, that I am not.
Ever watched something important slip through your hands like water? Most likely. Now, have you ever watched something slip through your hands like water… after you purposely spread your fingers? All you need to do to keep the water there is form a cup. So why didn’t you? Why didn’t I?
The question, “Why?” is probably the hardest to answer. You can try to reason with it all you want, but it doesn’t go away. Not until you figure out the real answer. The real answer is generally the most painful one, the one you try to push away, to keep buried. You don’t want to see that answer. It has the potential to reveal something about yourself that you don’t want to be shown. You’re happy not knowing the truth – ignorance is indeed bliss.
Even now, I don’t really know why. Why I’d rather just give up than pick up a god damned phone. Why I can’t just put more effort into something I really wanted. Why I ultimately decided to let go, rather than fight for something I know – have always known – would be great.
I suspect that that little girl is flawed. She’s flawed, and maybe she puts her face in her hands because she knows I can read it in her eyes. She doesn’t want me to see it because I don’t want her to show me. No one would. Coming to terms with something that will surely cause you to lose faith in yourself is hard. It’s tough to realize that you’re disappointed with yourself, as a person.
Is there anything more discouraging?
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2 comments:
I would argue that there are many more discouraging things, or at least a few, but the worst thing would be the inability or failure to recognize who you are inside and reassess yourself. My mother's always called this soul-searching, casting the eye inward and deciding if what you've said or done reflects on who you are or who you want to be as a person. If it doesn't, then figure out what you need to do to change it. But nothing can be worse than being too scared to try and get to know yourself, in my opinion.
This is stuff everyone deals with, you're not alone.
I think I understand the feelings you're writing about in this post. Relatable writing is always nice, it lets you know you're not alone. I know what it's like to not want to face your inner demons or to be too scared to. It's something we all go through. I would just like to hope that most of us see past the fear when there's something important enough on the line. Good luck with whatever is ailing you.
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