This is why I love Reedus.

I really can't explain it.  This is just the perfect GIF.

The Sean Clark VIP Experience!

Mister Sean Clark has produced and written a whole bunch of stuff, but if you've ever seen him it was probably on his show, Horror's Hallowed Grounds.  Basically, he goes around and visits the famous locations at which scary movies were filmed, something I think is awesome, because I've loved horror ever since I was a little 'un.  My personal favorite is the episode for the original Nightmare on Elm Street, (the first scary movie I ever watched):



My favorite part is right around 8:00.  I giggled ferociously.  Also, the bloopers at the end are great, especially the twisted tongue at 20:48 or so!

I met Sean the first time in Philadelphia -- if you read my post about it, you'll remember that he followed me on Twitter and waved to me a few times throughout the day.

As I mentioned previously, I gave him some sour gummy candy at the NY convention, because I wanted to get him something and I was informed by his official stalker (@ClarkStalking on Twitter) that those are his favorite.  I neglected to mention that when I gave him the candy, he didn't take my autograph ticket.  I'm not sure if he forgot, or if the gummies were a bribe to get an extra autograph for free.  Either way, woo hoo!

Around 2pm of the NY convention, I was sooooooooo bored that I started scheming to get a picture with Sean.  I tore off a piece of the convention schedule and scribbled, "Can I get a picture with you, please? :)"  Then, I asked a volunteer if I could give it to Sean, and she directed me to the security guard who said no.  I did my damndest to look sad without actually pouting, which must have worked, because he quickly added, "But you're a VIP, so you can just cut right into line here and talk to him, if you want."  If I want?  Duh!  So I hopped back into line behind the next two people to go up.

Sean said, "What can I get you?" As a response, I laughed, and he looked a little confused.  I told him I was really at the con to see him, and that I could care less about Norman (well, I guess I cared a little... but I really was there to see Sean!).  The surprise on his face was almost comical, and he was like, "Oh, wow, I'm flattered!"  I asked if we could take a picture, and he said, "Absolutely," then had me stand off to the side so he could usher a couple more people through to Norman -- "Can't hold up the line!".  Then, he slipped around the table, wrapped an arm around me, and said, "Who's got the camera?"

I said, "I do!" and pulled out my phone.

He said, "Do you want me to take it?  We could do it like a selfie."  I was incredibly amused that he used the term "selfie," and I said yes, mumbling something about his arms being longer than mine.  I'd already set the camera to use the front camera, but Sean hit a button and somehow managed to open a search window (how the..??  I'm still not sure how he managed that), so we had to pause while I backed out of that and got the camera up again -- not that I minded in the LEAST, because we had our arms around each other the whole time.  I bet he's a fantastic cuddler ^_^

So this was the super cute result (ignore the bags under my eyes; I'd stayed up until 2am, gotten up at 5, and driven the 3 hours down to NY)!  He handed my phone back to me, gave me another quick hug, then scooted back around the table.

I was about to thank him and go when he said, "Hold on!"  So I stood there, and when I realized what he was doing, I said, "An autograph?  For me?"

"Yep!"

"For free?"

"Yep!"

"I can pay for it, I have money."

"Nope!"

He made sure he spelled my name right ("Is it Jamie, J-A-M-I-E?"), wrote, "Much Love!!" and drew hearts all over it!

I thanked him a bunch of times, and then snuck back out of the line.  I framed the autograph, ordered prints of our selfie, and now Sean is on my bookcase.  He's even in front of Norman! O.o

I have a new love.  Too bad someone already put a ring on it; I'm late to the game :(

Also, he totally answers Twitter DMs.  Because he's just that awesome.  <3>

Fallen from Grace

I decided that, since my Philly experience was so fantastic, it would be a good idea to meet Norman Reedus again at the Wizard World in Manhattan.  I went down on Saturday, June 29th, getting up at 5am so I could leave by 6 and try to beat the crowd.

I beat some of the crowd, but it was already crazy busy when I pulled into the parking lot at 9:24.  The staff was doing valet parking, in order to try to fit everyone into the parking lot.  While waiting for them to park Sheila (that's my car's name) and give me my ticket, I chatted with the attendants' supervisor.  He asked if I was there to see Norman, and I said, "Is it that obvious?"  His explanation was that I don't look like a con-geek, but rather, a normal female, so he had to assume.

The conversation then somehow turned to the celebrity cruise from the previous night.  This guy had been on the cruise (working, of course), and basically told me that Norman was "partying hard."  I asked what he meant, and he said, "He was... partaking in... things."

Naturally, my response was, "Drugs?"  His response was simply, "Hey, the guy used to model for Prada, of course he does some fucked up shit."

Oh, well.  That's... huh.  Okay.  So the day started off on an uncomfortable note.

The VIPs were allowed inside early, so having already looked up the location of Norman's booth on the map beforehand, I headed straight back there to get in line, and wasn't terribly surprised that there were at least fifty people already waiting.  So I got in line, made friends with two girls that were, awesomely enough, also from Massachusetts, and waited patiently.

Sean Clark showed up at about quarter past ten, and I snapped a few pictures of him because he's wicked awesome and if he asked me to marry him, I'd say yes.  Just saying.  P.S. Sean, if you ever read this, I like solitare rings.  Thanks.

They set up the booth and sorted out security and where to direct the line while we waited patiently.  Sean seemed a little anxious, especially as 11am came and went and there was no sign of Norman.  He wandered around talking to people in line, which was nice.  He was probably worried we were going to riot if Norm didn't show, and he didn't want us to toss him on the pyre while we were at it.

It was mildly concerning that he didn't seem to know where Norman was.

But ho, Norman popped in through that double door at about 11:30 and slipped into the booth.  The line started moving pretty steadily, and I was up to Sean in no time.

He asked me what he could get me, and I said, "Nothing! I have something for you!" and handed him a bag full of several different kinds of sour gummy candies (which are purportedly his favorite, according to his Twitter stalker, @ClarkStalking).  He seemed excited about them, saying they were going to be eaten immediately, and when I wasn't looking, he slipped around the table and hug attacked me!

If I hadn't already had a bit of a crush on him, I would've developed one then!  He gives really good hugs -- no butt-out or one-armed junk hugs, but solid, two-armed, body squeeze hugs.  I loved it!

So after that excitement, it was my turn to see Norman.  I was proud of myself when I managed to form coherent sentences, saying hello and asking for a hug (which was a one-armed, across-the-table hug, boo).  After he signed my picture, I showed him my phone and the picture of me licking him from last time, and asked what we should do for this one.  His response was that he didn't know, and he guessed I'd have to go with a kiss on the cheek.  I didn't really say anything, but I thanked him for the autograph and left the line.

Fellow fangirls, please forgive me; I'm about to say something you're not going to like.

I lost some love for Norman.  The way he spoke, his slow reaction times, and his apparent difficulty in processing speech made me think that he was under the influence of a substance.  I don't know what substance, but I know he wasn't speaking or acting at all the way he did in Philly.  Considering what the supervisor outside had told me, I can only imagine it was some kind of drug, and I'm hoping it wasn't something he'd used before the convention, but that maybe it was just a residual effect from the night before.  Regardless, the very idea that Norman Reedus does drugs is a horrible one, and I hate thinking it at all.

I wasn't entirely convinced until later.  There was so little to do between the signing and the photo op that I ended up spending a considerable amount of time sitting on the floor against the wall (I migrated to a new spot every so often).  Around 4pm, signing was done, and Sean and a few security guys were escorting Norman over to the photo area, and I watched them from the spot I had staked out near their booth.

It was a huge chore for them to get Norman to focus and just walk.  He was super distracted and Sean had to keep reminding him to keep walking, c'mon, let's go, we have to keep moving.  He was just kind of all over the place, and I was super disappointed.  I ended up leaving before the photo; I gave my VIP pass and the photo ticket to a nice-looking family who seemed very appreciative, so that was a plus, at least.

Still, though, I feel a little heartbroken over this, and I wish I'd never gone.  HOWEVER, if I HADN'T gone, I'd have missed out a picture with Michael Rooker:

I told him that I'd hated Merle for SO. LONG, and that I was really glad he went out the way he did, and he laughed, gave me a squeeze around the waist, and then we got the lovely photo.

Also, this awesome little experience:

Story to come in the next post!

R.I.P.

This is an unflattering picture of my grandfather.  I took it June 14th, not quite two weeks ago.

He died this morning.

I can't say it was unexpected -- he had COPD, and his lack of proper oxygen certainly didn't help his failing heart, liver, and kidneys.  Note the toilet chair in front of him; that was about as far as he could move before utter exhaustion.

My uncle is relieved.

I'm devastated.

See, this man raised me -- he's biologically my grandfather, but he's played the role of my father since I was born.  I spent every other weekend and all school vacations with him, he took care of me and my mother financially when she couldn't, I stayed with him the many times my mom was admitted to the hospital, and he adopted me when she died.  I lived with him between the ages of 13 and 22, moved out for a couple years, moved back in for a year, moved out for a few more, and then moved back in again.

The problem is, as is often the case with death, is the course of our last interaction.  And, as is also often the case, it was fairly negative.

See, I work overnights, and then I do four or five hours at my internship.  When I come home, I go straight to bed to try to get a full seven hours before my next twelve hours of work.  Yesterday, I got home after 1pm, so I was lucky if I was asleep by 2.

At 7pm, I wake up to my grandfather yelling my name.  As I groggily roll out of bed, he yells it again, so naturally, I start to feel a little alarmed.  I rush downstairs and ask what's wrong.  His response?

"Feed the cats."

.......... He can't be serious.

I spend a few minutes reminding him that I sleep during the day, and that the cats have access to crunchy food all day long.  That there is no reason to wake me up two hours before my alarm to feed them; they can wait.  Regardless, I feed the damn cats their stupid, supplementary canned food, all the while mumbling angrily under my breath and slamming dishes and utensils around the kitchen.

As my foot landed on the first stair of the staircase, Grampa says, "Wait.  I want an ice cream cone."

Still irritated -- and more so, now, because there shouldn't even be ice cream in the house (diabetes) -- I throw together a vanilla ice cream cone and hand it to him.  I don't respond when he thanks me.  Then, something weird happens.

He apologizes.

I realize that, if you're reading this, you probably don't know my grandfather.  But he's the really old school, "suck it up and stop being a pussy" type.  Of course, he's an army vet, and he's gone through three heart attacks, a stroke, open heart surgery, prostate cancer, emphysema, and all the crap at the end without batting an eyelash.  I've seen him cry once, ONCE, in 27 years, and it wasn't even when his sister died, or when my mom died, but rather, when the stray cat he adopted died.

So when he says, "Sorry for bothering you, I just have no energy," I'm too flabbergasted to even process it, and I just go upstairs.  Thinking about it now, I'm trying not to get trapped in the guilt trap of realizing that I really must have been being an asshole to make him say that.  It's really hard not to wallow in the awful idea that the last thing I ever did was make him feel bad because he wanted an ice cream and couldn't get it himself.

Sigh.  No matter how many times you go through it, this stuff never gets any easier.

Philadelphia Wizard World 2013

I’ve never been to a comic convention and I never wanted to… until I found out Norman Reedus would be at the Wizard World Con (2013) in Philadelphia.

So I spent an inordinate amount of money on a VIP pass, which includes an autograph ($40), a photo op (more than $40), a sweet NR badge, and a “speed pass” to the front of the lines.  I recruited my best friends, Robin and Mike, we reserved a hotel room, and off we went.

We arrived around 1 PM on Saturday, June 1^st, and the place was crazy busy.  Lots of nerds, lots of cool costumes, and lots of merchandise.  I spotted a huge banner saying PHOTO OPS all the way in the back of the center, so I beelined it to the back and quickly spotted Norman’s booth (it was easy because it had the longest line; there were, very literally, hundreds of people).  I asked a staff member about the VIP pass, and he brought me right up past the General Admission people and to the very short VIP line! I made friends with another VIP, Peter, and he ended up being my VIP buddy for the day.

Waiting at the end of the table, I chatted with Sean Clark, who is always with Norman at events, but otherwise, I don’t know anything about him.  I was like, “I follow you on Twitter,” which was a lie, and he asked if he follows me back, and I said no, so his response was, “Well, there’s probably a reason for that,” which cracked me up.  Then he handed me his phone with Twitter open and was like, “Here, fix it. Find you and follow.”  Super nice!  Every time I saw him around after that, we smiled and waved at each other.

*I change tense here because it was amazing*

So we’re getting closer, and his manager-lady tells us we can take pictures of him signing, but we’re not allowed to take any with him while at the table, boo!  Peter and I make a deal that I’ll take pictures of him with Norman, and he’ll take ones of me after.  I decide I'm going to ask him about living in Georgia, tell him he inspired me to start writing again, and thank him for being so good to his fans.

Peter yanks out this huge Daryl Dixon poster, and Norman is like, “Where did you get this?!” before taking a picture of it with his phone.  He signs, they chat a little, and Peter moves.  I’m trying to hand him my phone while balancing the book I brought for Norman and pulling out my pictures for him to sign when I hear, “Hey, sweetheart.”  His voice was so gentle, like delicious melted chocolate.  I’ve got the photo in my teeth when I look up, and I freeze.  It was ridiculously akin to a deer in headlights, and I was taken aback that Norman Reedus was looking at me, he'slookingrightatme.

I must've looked a little crazy or terrified for him to look over at me like that!

After a moment of me just staring at him, he says, “I’m Norman.”  My idiotic response is to thrust my picture at him and ask, “Will you sign two?”  He asks if it should be written to anyone, but I’m dumb and don’t answer, so he starts signing mine as I pull out the other one I brought for my boss, and I’m mumbling something about how she loves him, too, but she couldn’t come – I was just rambling because I was freaking out.  He points at the little one and says, “That’s my bathroom!” and I start rambling about how much I love when he poses his action figure weird and posts pictures of it on Twitter.  After he signs both photos, he looks at me again and does a come-here kind of motion, and I just stand there staring at him until he motions a second time.  Naturally, when he hugs me, I fangirl right in his ear, “Oh my god, you smell SO good.”  Cue forehead-slap.

I wish I knew what I was saying to make him ponder at me!

I collect my pictures and move down to a little empty table, where Peter is rolling up his giant poster.  As I’m putting my bag down, I realize I’m still holding the book, and almost scream, “Peter, I forgot to give it to him!”  Thank goodness for my VIP buddy, because he yells,” Go back and give it to him!” and gives me a push.  I completely interrupt the girl behind me (who was super bitchy in line, so I don’t feel bad) and push the book at him.  He turns and goes to sign it, so I slide my hands onto the cover, and when he looks at me, I stutter, “No, it’s for you!”  He picks it up in both hands, still looking at me, and quietly says, “Thank you.  Thanks so much.”  It’s so sincere-sounding that I get freaked out again and turn and run away.

According to my friends, the moment that I turned away from him, my eyes rolled back in my head and I made an orgasm face.  I don’t remember this, but I don’t doubt it in the least.  Experiencing the Reedus will do that to a girl.

Yay, beer!

Next, Robin, Mike, and I took a little break and went to the Hard Rock Café to get a beer, during which I completely forgot about and missed the entire Q&A panel for Norman, Michael Rooker (Merle), and Jon Bernthal (Shane).  

My friends walk me back to the hall, but then I abandon them to wait in the VIP photo op line with Peter.  I’m not exaggerating when I say there were at least a thousand people waiting.  Peter and I were in the second line, and there were thirteen more lines after us, each with at least a hundred people in each (they were LONG).

The photo op was supposed to start at 5:10pm, and we were in line before five o’clock.  We're still standing in the same spot at quarter past six, and they keep announcing over the PA system that the hall is going to close at seven, and we all need to leave.  Peter and I agree that Norman would never abandon us, and we're right!  The line ahead of us suddenly starts moving super fast -- the photos were going at light-speed, just *click* NEXT *click* NEXT *click* NEXT!

I walk up to the tape line on the floor, the staff guy says, “GO!” and I kind of skip over to Reedus.  He puts his arm out for me to step under, says hello again, and I blurt, “Can I lick you?!”  

In an absolute certain, deadpan voice, with no hesitation whatsoever, he says, “Yes.”  So I do, and they take the picture.  He tasted a little salty, and his facial hair tickled.

Norman giggles -- no lie, he GIGGLED – at me, and turns toward me like he’s going to say something.  AND I RUN AWAY AGAIN.  WHY WOULD I RUN AWAY FROM HIM.  *bangs head on wall for all eternity*

The photos print slowly, and the staff wants us all OUT, so they tell us we can get our pictures outside in the registration area.  Then, they announce that Norman will be signing AGAIN out there!  Peter and I rush out, and it’s a HUGE clusterfuck.  There were several different fan groups, no one knew where to stand for what thing, and there are those hundreds of people all looking for their pictures.  I grab Peter’s bag and he leads us through the crowd, and yells at someone, “Hey, guy in the red shirt, hand me my picture!”  I notice a guy nearby who keeps looking at me, then at the table, back at me, and back at the table, so I say, “You see my picture, don’t you?”  He says, “I think so,” and I go, “I LICKED him!” and he grins and grabs my picture for me!

Peter and I charge over to the impromptu Norman booth in the corner, and a staff member motions us into the VIP line, which is super short!  After a while, once everyone in the photo line is through, Norman comes out.  We all cheer as he’s walking toward us, and he holds up an orange like he’s super proud of it, which was adorable.

When I get up to him again, I force myself to say, “Hi, I’m Jamie, and I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself before but every time I try to speak to you, nothing comes out but this weird little noise!”  He smiles and signs my name and a little heart and his initials.  He looks up, still smiling, and goes, “You’re so cute.”  Then he puts his hand up for a high five, and when I give it to him, he closes his fingers over mine!!!  His hands were so warm, but not clammy, just wonderfully warm.  AND I RAN AWAY AGAIN WTF!

From what I hear on Twitter, he stayed until everyone was finished, a couple hours after the convention was over.  He’s so, so, so incredibly sweet.

I think June 1^st, 2013, was the best day of my twenty-seven years.  Seriously.  Never been so happy.

AND I LICKED NORMAN REEDUS!

Empathetic empathy

Empathy is an ability, a skill.  Sympathy is an emotion.  That is the difference between the two.  Everyone knows what sympathy is; your girlfriend sees a dead cat by the side of the road and she cries, because a poor little kitty is dead.  Those with empathy might think of the fear the cat experienced while a vehicle was bearing down upon it, or the pain of the little girl who wonders where her kitty went.

Empathy is an ability, but it is also a curse.  It makes you experience emotions -- usually negative ones -- when you, personally, have no reason to feel badly.

It seems that empathy is my life skill.  I have this uncanny ability to put myself into others' shoes, even though I haven't experienced much, myself.  Sometimes, it's helpful -- I tend to be a pretty good judge of character, and I've been told I give very reasonable advice.  But I always smile when work clients tell me I have no idea what they're going through, because I have never experienced a severe drug addiction.  They're right, but also wrong.  That smile is a rueful one.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't at all empathetic, that I could be like everyone else and have no consideration for other people's feelings.  I wish I could just flip that switch and focus on myself.  It's so much easier that way.  Those kind of people have no idea how lucky they are.

Instead I've consigned myself to work in human services forever.  I'll work long, extremely draining hours making a sub-par salary, in an attempt to improve lives because I feel for them.

Empathy is a shit skill to have.

/selfpity

Norman, my Norman.

This man fascinates me.  I mean, utterly, completely intrigues me.  And, believe it or not, it wasn't his good looks that caught my attention first.  It was his acting.

If you don’t know, Norman Reedus plays Daryl Dixon in the extremely popular AMC series, The Walking Dead.  Daryl is a redneck with incredibly developed survival skills, and a similarly talented, but far more malicious older brother, Merle.  Though I was hooked on the show after just two episodes, Norman didn't really catch my eye right away (he doesn't actually appear until episode 3).  In fact, I didn't even recognize him as the actor who played Murphy McManus in The Boondock Saints.  (Though, to be fair, TBS came out in the late nineties, and I hadn't seen it since it exploded all over my college campus back in my ungrad years.)  Daryl seemed, at first, to be every bit the asshole his brother was, and who likes an asshole?

But then, as the season went on, and Merle disappeared, Daryl’s character began to seem different.  It seemed like there might be a spark of humanity under the cruel façade Reedus portrayed so well.  It became clear that he was starting to care for some of the others in the group, however unwilling, and it was obvious that his distance was only a defense mechanism to protect himself.  He began putting effort into helping everyone, contributing and being useful.  As the first season slipped into the second, he began to seem more like a member of the group, rather than just a guy following the people with the supplies.

There was a defining moment for me, when my entire view of Daryl transformed.  **If you haven’t watched through season 2 yet, I’m about to reveal a spoiler.**  After the group discovers Sofia in the barn, Daryl regresses completely, maybe even overcompensating and becoming even more angry and withdrawn than he had previously.  After all the effort he put into searching for the girl, his already ragged and wounded ego couldn't handle the blow of losing her.  He put himself out there, and he got burned, just like he must have been, many times through his life.  That pain, and his harsh, abrupt reaction, left me in awe of the man behind the character.  Obviously, the writers have the main hand in producing the script, and the director sets up the scenes perfectly, but it was the phenomenal portrayal of Daryl’s reaction that has me so intrigued with Mr. Reedus.

Norman put an entire back story to Daryl’s character without ever putting it into words.  Such a feat is already incredibly impressive, but the fact that he was given a sort of free reign with the character, and he chose to take it in that direction -- and was ridiculously successful! -- blows my mind.

I've watched countless interviews, panels, and Q&A videos, and read dozens of articles and written interviews, and I only become more and more impressed.  I wish I could sit down with him and pick his brain.  I want to know his history, and the experiences that make him so humble and nice.  I want to know what made him who he is today, because it seems clear to me that so much of him is in Daryl’s character.

Like I said, fascinating!  And yes, I did use this as an excuse to post copious amounts of photos :)  Here's one more for the road!  Oh, captain, my captain!

You don't have to be a Reedus fan...

To find this video absolutely hilarious.  Watch it!  Trust me!



See?  Told ya!

Something to believe in.

You know, ever since I was young, I always wished I had a cause -- something to really believe in, you know? I used to complain that I wasn't born in the early 1900s, so that I could've contributed to the war efforts in the 'teens or the early '40s. I even used to wish I'd been of-age in the 60s so I could've either helped out or been part of the protests to bring the troops home. I just always wished I had something to fight for.

In my last semester of undergrad, I signed up to join the Air Force. I was beyond excited! Besides the fact that I would have my degree and therefore was eligible to take the officer's test, I was just excited to go to basic, get training, and start being part of something bigger than myself. I couldn't wait to start contributing to society, in a way that I really believed I would love. Unfortunately for me, the Air Force standards for scoliosis measurements prohibited me from joining. I had been so close, and I was devastated when they gave me the news.

A few months later, I lost my brother, and I didn't think much of the military. I went through a depression and a few jobs, then met a new boyfriend and moved out to Western Mass. Out there, I was too busy worrying about paying the bills and trying to salvage our declining relationship to think of much else. I decided I hated my stupid job, and my only salvation would be graduate school, so my sights turned to that. Shortly after, I met Justin, and blah blah love and such, yadda yadda.

Justin is a Marine. He's not active duty, and he finished up his reserve term just a few months ago (and trust me, my relief was great). But he's still a Marine. "Once a Marine, always a Marine," and I don't ever forget that. The bond those boys have is nothing I could ever understand, but I'm not sure I could respect anything more. I think I'm lucky that I didn't have to deal with the stress, worry, and loneliness that I would've had to face if I'd been with him during his active duty, but I also kind of feel that I lost out a bit, too. I didn't get the chance to support him while he was gone, to be strong for him and make sure he knew I would be here waiting for him to get back. I didn't get to write him letters or send him care packages, or feel that rush when he came home on leave, safe and sound. Not that I'm not supremely grateful that he survived all three tours, of course I am! And again, I know the pain of him leaving would've been beyond anything. I just feel like our relationship would've just been that much more solid at the end.

Anyway, I didn't start writing this because I wanted to go on and on about my amazing Marine (believe it or not). I just wanted to let anyone who reads this know that we should all support our troops. All the brave men and women that are serving overseas and here in-country are doing it to protect our rights and freedom. They are the reason I can go to grad school; they're the reason I can write this post! I just hope our soldiers know that their country supports them, and that we're all hoping and praying for their safe returns.

And since it is the holiday season, should anyone feel like helping out a troop, a great resource is Any Soldier. In short, it offers an opportunity for kind-hearted people to donate money and needed items to send to deployed troops, and the packages are labelled "Attn: Any Soldier" so that they can be distributed out to those who don't get much mail -- it happens, because unfortunately, not every soldier is blessed with supportive family and friends. They also have related sites for specific branches; my favorite is, of course, Any Marine. You can put together care packages, or even just donate money (and they tell you exactly what they do with your money, right here). Even $5 can contribute toward getting a package out, so the cost of a fancy drink at Starbucks can help a soldier get a package full of things he or she needs.

One of Any Soldier's partners is Operation: Quiet Comfort, a group that sends supplies to troops who were injured in the Middle East and are now receiving medical treatment. They provide personal hygiene supplies, entertainment supplies (books and such), and quilts sewn to honor the soldiers. They're another good site to check out.

Even though I'm not able to be out there fighting along side all of America's amazing soldiers, I hope they know that my heart is out there with them.

(Sorry for being emo)

Most of the time, everything is fine. But it only takes the first few notes of a certain song or the smell of a certain food to make a smile disappear. It reminds you of things and places and people long gone. Just a specific phrase, or a particular touch. The memories are nice, but sometimes they only serve to remind you that those things are lost to you. They're out of reach, even if you stand on your tip-toes and stretch your fingers as far as you can. You'll never be that young again, you'll never feel so safe, you'll never know the touch of their skin again.

Most days are fine. But not every day.

One Glorious Morning

I woke up this morning, and I laughed. Not just a little laugh, either, but a hearty chest laugh that even drew a few teardrops from the corners of my eyes. I wiped them away with my index finger – first the right, then the left – and sighed contentedly. The morning sunlight was pouring through the window, warm on my face as I stretched my arms over my head, still smiling.

How silly I felt, having wasted two whole years over such a thing. It was certainly a shame to have squandered all that time, but it was also a huge relief. I was so happy to figure out that my big brother was still, in fact, alive, and not a pile of ashes in a metal urn sitting on a bookshelf.

The birds were chirping outside. I rolled onto my side and looked out into the backyard. The grass was as green as it had ever been, the flowers were in bloom, and the trees were rich with color. I giggled, making plans in my head to pack some clothes and drive the hour home to visit him, and maybe even stay the weekend. We did have two whole years to make up for, after all.




This actually occurred a few days ago. The only differences were the fact that I didn't laugh out loud, and that the Boyfriend was sleeping next to me.

That feeling of relief was so overwhelming. I'm not sure I've ever felt so happy in my entire life as I did in that one, sunny, amazing moment.

Then, it was gone. As he is.




.... It never does go away.

I must have done something really bad for karma to treat me like this.

About a week and a half ago, my boss decided to suddenly cut my hours at work, because he "can't afford" to pay me for 40 hours, despite the brand new electronics and office equipment he just bought (not to mention his personal new Blackberry phone and cross-country skiis).

That evening was my night to visit the boyfriend down in Westfield (Westfield to Leeds is about a 40 minute drive). I planned to talk to boyfriend about him not wanting to make the move to Worcester in the fall, when I hopefully will be starting grad school. For some reason, panic overtook me, and I broke up with him over this. It was completely irrational, and I was hysterical and crazy and awful for the next 6 days, until he finally agreed to speak with me, and we worked things out.

Friday evening, on my way back to Leeds from Westfield, I was involved in my first ever car accident. The plan was to take a left onto the city's very busy main street. The SUV coming toward me was taking a right onto my street, and the other direction was clear. I waited to make sure the car with its blinker on was actually turning, looked in both directions again, then tried to make a speedy entry into traffic. Instead, I made a speedy entry into the car that had been hidden BEHIND the SUV, which had taken the liberty to go around the turning vehicle.

Yesterday afternoon, after my boss made me stay almost two hours longer than my shift was supposed to last, he sat me down and told me that he really likes working with me, I do a really great job, blah, blah, blah. I thought this was my annual review, which was 3 days overdue already. Reviews generally promise a dollar raise, and these days, any extra money is more than welcome.

I did not get a raise. No, instead, I got laid off. He assured me that I've done absolutely nothing wrong, I'm really great, but our collections are down and patient volume is low -- it is the same as it's ever been in the last year, in my bitter but honest opinion. Of course, he'll give me a glowing reference, and extend the very unafforable option of COBRA insurance, and he'll even let me work until the end of next week! Oh boy!

So I go home where the boyfriend is waiting, and we somehow proceed to have an argument and spend the rest of the evening in silence.

He posed the idea that maybe I've run over some innocent animals without knowing it.

Karma, well, she seems very angry with me. I'm sorry, Karma. Whatever it was I did, I'm sorry!

Hopefully happier posts will come in the future.