There are a million words or phrases you could use to complete that sentence: shit, being alive, death, art, makin' babies, consciousness, yadda yadda. I wrote today that I think life is "just a series of let-downs combined with a perpetual hope that the future will bring something better."
If you think about it, doesn't that make sense? Especially for 20-somethings in lower middle class suburban New England like myself. Got a new job that it turns out you hate? No worries, you'll get a better one eventually. Really like someone but find out it's pretty unlikely you'll ever have them? Oh, whatever, someone better will come along.
Is this existence? Is this really what it's supposed to be? You just constantly strive for better things, better jobs, better boyfriends or girlfriends? Then what, you have kids and strive for better things and lives for them?
I'm not sure I see the point in any of it. What if there isn't anything after this life? If there's nothing to look forward to, why bother with anything at all?
What if there is something after this? Is it just a pointless circle that you go around and around forever and ever? Or is it like Buddhism's Nirvana, a state you only get to after you have perfected your soul throughout your many reincarnations?
If there's an ultimate goal... what's next? What comes after that?
I guess I'm having a mini-existential crisis. I've had a real one before, and let me tell you, that was not a good time. I'm pretty sure that's why people commit suicide.
Have you ever seen the early evening, post-rain glow of a cloudy sky? That light makes me feel lonely and nostalgic, but it's not really a bad feeling. I'm calm and relaxed, and I don't mind being alone, but it makes me yearn for all the things and people I've lost. The people others have lost. What kind of life is this, where we just lose those we love and move on?
I can see my brother's picture on my nightstand, and I can almost hear him trying to reason out answers to some of my questions. I know by the end of it, I'd have my hope renewed all over again, and wouldn't have another dive into the world of Nihilism for a couple months. He was always good at that.
I do apologize for the dismal post, but hey, it's my freakin' blog.
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- Squeaker
- I am stubborn and I love men in uniform. Also, I steal the vast majority of my images from Google Image Search. Please do not sue me.
3 comments:
Sometimes I sit back and wonder the same things but then I end up coming to some level ground with no answer but ok to move on...
I'm not sure how or why I reach this and probably will never know but... I hope theres more... I hope theres better...
Cuz if this is it, someone has a fuckin twisted sense of humor!
It's totally time for ice cream, Jamie. We BOTH need it.
I love you.
...i think life is too short to do thinks we hate...like have some shitty job for 20 - 40 years to save up a bunch of money to buy unneccessary things, and then spend your savings when your too old to enjoy it...seems to me like that would kill ones spirit...it does seem important to be good, though, at least for goodness' sake...and we obviously need shelter and food, but thats it for neccessities... I dont know if theres a so called 'god' or not or if theres a place one goes when one dies, having requirments like 'being good'... but its worth it to try behaving... i had a dream last night i was bit by a huge snake and before i knew it i was in the driveway and there was my brother and his girlfriend and everything was fine... some people i cant remember showed up and i started explaining what happened and my brother observed we must be in heaven cuz we died.... and everything was truly perfect... like its the happiest point your life was at forever, and everybody is there... kinda of like field of dreams but a million times better and personalized...lol sorry to lengthily repeat a dream cuz the explanation never does it justice... but you get the idea, and that kind of nirvana is something to hope for, right? in any case, I just personally try to just be happy with whatever happens....look on the bright side and all that cliche right? its not easy but as long as your happy what else matters?
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