There are a million words or phrases you could use to complete that sentence: shit, being alive, death, art, makin' babies, consciousness, yadda yadda. I wrote today that I think life is "just a series of let-downs combined with a perpetual hope that the future will bring something better."
If you think about it, doesn't that make sense? Especially for 20-somethings in lower middle class suburban New England like myself. Got a new job that it turns out you hate? No worries, you'll get a better one eventually. Really like someone but find out it's pretty unlikely you'll ever have them? Oh, whatever, someone better will come along.
Is this existence? Is this really what it's supposed to be? You just constantly strive for better things, better jobs, better boyfriends or girlfriends? Then what, you have kids and strive for better things and lives for them?
I'm not sure I see the point in any of it. What if there isn't anything after this life? If there's nothing to look forward to, why bother with anything at all?
What if there is something after this? Is it just a pointless circle that you go around and around forever and ever? Or is it like Buddhism's Nirvana, a state you only get to after you have perfected your soul throughout your many reincarnations?
If there's an ultimate goal... what's next? What comes after that?
I guess I'm having a mini-existential crisis. I've had a real one before, and let me tell you, that was not a good time. I'm pretty sure that's why people commit suicide.
Have you ever seen the early evening, post-rain glow of a cloudy sky? That light makes me feel lonely and nostalgic, but it's not really a bad feeling. I'm calm and relaxed, and I don't mind being alone, but it makes me yearn for all the things and people I've lost. The people others have lost. What kind of life is this, where we just lose those we love and move on?
I can see my brother's picture on my nightstand, and I can almost hear him trying to reason out answers to some of my questions. I know by the end of it, I'd have my hope renewed all over again, and wouldn't have another dive into the world of Nihilism for a couple months. He was always good at that.
I do apologize for the dismal post, but hey, it's my freakin' blog.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Some things you never, ever cared to know about me
I don't try to fool myself into thinking I have a blog audience here. If I did more to promote it (on sites like blogcatalog.com, maybe), I probably would. Really, though, it's just a place for my to vent and occasionally send a friend a link so I don't have to explain something again.
On that note, I've been reading Rura and Miss, a pretty awesome little blog about a pretty awesome little lady. She likes to keep up with blog trends and the like, so I've decided to steal '100 random things about myself' (her first half est ici) from her because I'm bored at work.
Here goes.
1. I have an unnatural obsession with cats.
2. I also have an unnatural obsession with my bangs - they have to be straight all the time, or I'm angry.
3. I seem to have a penchant toward being obsessed with things in general.
4. My obsessions are usually short lived, but I don't think it ever goes away, just switches from thing to thing.
5. I'm just realizing how hard this thing is going to be.
6. One of my big toe nails is always, inexplicably cracked. It doesn't seem to go away and I find this weird.
7. I love my car.
8. My car is actually my first car ever. It's a maroon 2001 Dodge Neon.
9. I only got it last May, when I was 21.
10. I didn't get my license until I was halfway to age 19.
11. I've been in countless car accidents, but never while driving.
12. My mother and my high school friends were/are terrible, terrible drivers.
13. I get really, really angry at bad drivers.
14. My high school sweetheart was a good driver!
15. He was from Washington (state) and claimed that Massachusetts is the worst driving state he's ever been in.
16. Everyone in my office is awesome.
17. I have a secret crush on my boss.
18. I want a new job because this one doesn't pay enough (though it is easy) and the long commute sucks.
19. I don't want a new job because I don't want to tell my boss I'm quitting.
20. Harvard, MA is a very lovely town.
21. Sorrento's is a pizza place in Harvard that makes the best pizza I have ever had. My friends agree.
22. I hate rain because it makes my hair frizzy and wavy.
23. I love the sun.
24. I get A LOT of sunburns. I will likely have skin cancer not far in the future.
25. I drink much more often between May/June and September than I do any other time of the year.
26. I'm afraid of heights.
27. I have a weird, debilitating fear of large objects in water. It's hard to explain. Shows on the Discovery channel that go deep into the ocean to explore ship wrecks make me cower away from the television. Titanic was a horror movie for me, with its underwater iceberg shots and sinking and all. I'm even afraid of big rocks in the lake.
28. I really, really hate icebergs.
29. I have just learned that, according to this spellchecker, 'est' is a word.
30. I use dictionary.com all too often.
31. I use thesaurus.com when I'm writing and I can't think of the particular word I want to use there.
32. I believe women begin to display their crazy around 3 months into a relationship.
33. I really hate files at work that have an obscene amount of pages. Especially when they all say the exact same thing, or nothing important or relevant. I have to enter them anyway.
34. I know all the words to the Habanera in Carmen. I used to think it was spanish, but it is french.
35. I don't know what a latte is. Nor the difference between the kinds of drinks at Starbucks.
36. I've never been interested in cigarettes. Never even curious. I'm not sure why - I always want to try everything once.
37. No actor will ever be better than Simon Pegg in my eyes.
38. I like to pretend I don't ever want to get married or have a baby.
39. I just got a really strong craving for strawberry ice cream, and was surprised (and a little confused) to find I associate it with my mother.
40. If I say that I'm on a diet, it means I'm not eating any food for as long as I can manage - usually a few days.
41. I'm very bad at resisting temptations, whether it be food, sex, or procrastination.
42. I'm both lazy and very active. I wish there was a word for this.
43. I really do believe that, in general, I am awesome. Awesome friend, awesome girlfriend, awesome person.
44. I also have very, very serious self-worth issues, which seems illogical coming after number 43.
45. I develop crushes SUPER easily, but I only pursue those that I really am impressed by.
46. I'm incredibly impatient and hate waiting for anything (I want what I want and I want it right now). This results in lots of impulse buys and spontaneous ideas and plans.
47. I do not mind waiting for the boy I am pursuing now. He's amazing. I really want to know how his lips feel, though.
48. I'm 95% sure that he is interested me.
49. Regardless of number 48, I overanalyze everything, so I go back and forth when we are not hanging out. Sometimes, I'm sure he does (then the issue is why hasn't he made this crystal clear to me yet? Because I dated his friend?), and other times I'm sure he doesn't (he doesn't seem to try too hard to make time for me).
50. I drive myself insane in my own head, and I hate it.
51. I love all my friends so much. They are the funniest, nicest, smartest, and best people I could ever hope to know.
52. I want to move to the south for two reasons: Southerners are much friendlier and kinder than northerners, and rents are half the price.
53. I have a repeating trend in my overall contentedness. I latch onto a new interest or passion, which makes me happy, but over time, it descends until I am miserable. Then, I find something new, and I'm happy again. I need a job/hobby/trend that I can be passionate about to be really happy. I sometimes wonder if I have mild ADD.
54. I get scared thinking about what will happen if I run out of new things.
55. I like fast, upbeat music. A Wilhelm Scream is the absolute best for that.
56. Hardcore is my favorite, but I also listen to everything else, and sometimes that embarrasses me.
57. I get very annoyed at people who think hardcore is like death metal. Hardcore is short for hardcore punk, assholes. It's not growling or ridiculously technical guitar riffs or double bassing -- it's a faster, heavier form of punk.
58. This one's gross -- my current mouthwash, ACT mint fluoride rinse, leaves an aftertaste that reminds me of the way my mouth tastes after kissing someone who has been performing cunnilingus.
59. I am bisexual and think women are beautiful creatures, but I'm not a big fan of the vagina itself. I think they're weird-looking. The clitoris is awesome, though.
60. I really, really miss a girl I dated the summer before last. It's been 2 years, and I still miss her. She stopped answering my phone calls ages ago, and to this day won't answer my MySpace messages. I'm sorry, Armeny. You were great and I was stupid.
61. I like taking showers at night so I can straighten my hair the next day without having to blow dry. I hate blow drying.
62. I find marijuana to be a huge waste of money and time for me. It just makes me tired.
63. Once, I had some really good stuff and seriously thought I was going to float off into the sky. I asked my friend Mike if I could hold onto his arm.
64. I actually really liked my job at the Texas Roadhouse before I started serving. Serving sucks. But I was making $11 or $12 an hour as a To-Go Host. Super easy job, very fun atmosphere. I wish I hadn't quit. They would probably take me back, but I am much too prideful to try.
65. I hate being talked down to or patronized. Few things make me as angry as quickly.
66. My last boyfriend pretends to be unemotional and uncaring, still refuses to say he ever loved me (after 2 years), and claims that he hates everyone and wants to be alone -- but he's jealous that I am interested in someone else.
67. I do not feel bad because he was the one who chose not to resume the relationship after I came out of the three month depression following the loss of my brother.
68. My tongue piercing might have been the best decision I've made in the last several years. I love it so much.
69. Seeing this number still makes me laugh. I'm both mature and unbelievably immature at the same time.
70. Shows and songs about sex (like Californication and 'Closer' by NIN) turn me on. TLC's 'Red Light Special' makes me feel sexy.
71. Most kinds of touching with someone I'm interested in turns me on, including arms brushing, hugs, hand-holding, and the like.
72. I really, really like when men touch or kiss my neck, when they grab my ass with both hands, or when they press me up against something. I like aggressive men because I know that they want me, but I also like respectful, gentle men. I know, it's confusing for me, too.
73. I like animals more than I like people. I would most definitely save a dog over a human (anyone get the reference, there?).
74. I disagree with the concept of organized religion. People can believe whatever they want, but I don't want to hear about it. Too many people use it as an excuse to hate or do stupid things. I like that it gives hope and can bring people together, but it's definitely no good in the hands of the scared and stupid.
75. I try to give my significant others their privacy, and get really annoyed when they don't show me the same courtesy. DO NOT go through my phone or computer. I don't have anything to hide (usually), but it's incredibly rude and uncomfortable. And you don't trust me, which pisses me off.
76. I also believe I have been taken for granted in the majority of my relationships. I also find that once I leave, they tend to want me back, which is puzzling.
77. I have a lot of trouble not thinking about this boy I'm currently pursuing. He's just so awesome in so many ways. I swore I would never date another smoker, but it doesn't even bother me with him.
78. I don't do much work at work (clearly). Again, love my boss, but I just can't take it seriously.
79. I still live at home, and I'm not ashamed. When I have a good salary job, I'm all about my own place, but for now, rent-free is the way to go.
80. I'm an expert at waiting to go pee. I once held it for three full hours. I know it's not healthy, but it's so god damn annoying when I'm trying to drink a healthy amount of water.
81. I don't really think I'll ever write a novel.
82. I'm scared of thunderstorms, sharks, bugs, bees/hornets/wasps, car accidents, being in Worcester late at night, and an assorted jumble of things that I'm always surprised to find that I'm afraid of.
83. I'm also very jumpy. Loud noises and quick movements are frightening to me.
84. I think I like redheads. But notwhat are they called gingers.
85. My ex's brother is the sexiest redhead I've ever known. The new boy is about a half step behind him, and much sweeter.
86. I've always liked the idea of a steady, 9-5 job with a desk and a computer. I've always wanted to put pictures of my friends and family on my desk. I got a new lamp and a framed picture of my brother for this one.
87. I hate finding out people are ticklish, because then whenever I want to touch them, I tickle them. I know it's annoying, but I can't stop myself. This occurs mostly with non-touchy feely types - it's the easiest way to put my hands on them and get a response.
88. I think sitting on a couch and watching a fire in a fireplace while it's snowing outside would be the most romantic, relaxing date ever.
89. The hardcore show in March was one of the most exhilaratingly fun things I've ever done.
90. I really like snowboarding, but I hate the cold, so I don't go often. I always get really strong urges to go in the summer.
91. I like talking about myself. It's a terrible trait to have. I also talk to myself an awful lot.
92. My grandfather nicknamed me Squeaker when I was a baby. He claimed I made squeaking sounds in my sleep. It is my favorite nickname to date, though I can't remember anyone ever using it.
93. I think it's hilarious when people use the strike tag to cross words out. I also didn't know how to do it until I tried it in number 84.
94. I think suffocating/drowning or burning to death are the worst possible ways to die.
95. I think if I was pregnant, and ever had a miscarriage, I would probably not be able to handle it. Same with if I had a baby or child that died.
96. My friend Mike's lakehouse in summer is my number 1 favorite place of all time. Purgatory Chasm State Reservation in Northbridge, MA is my second favorite.
97. I love any food that involves bread, cheese, or a combination of the two. Also, pasta.
98. Chewing gum is much easier than I thought (I was afraid it would stick to the piercing or something). I'm a chronic gum-chewer because I'm paranoid about my breath.
99. This didn't actually get difficult until right now. I told you I like to talk about myself.
100. I'm very bad at concluding things.
Sorry that was so crazy-long.
On that note, I've been reading Rura and Miss, a pretty awesome little blog about a pretty awesome little lady. She likes to keep up with blog trends and the like, so I've decided to steal '100 random things about myself' (her first half est ici) from her because I'm bored at work.
Here goes.
1. I have an unnatural obsession with cats.
2. I also have an unnatural obsession with my bangs - they have to be straight all the time, or I'm angry.
3. I seem to have a penchant toward being obsessed with things in general.
4. My obsessions are usually short lived, but I don't think it ever goes away, just switches from thing to thing.
5. I'm just realizing how hard this thing is going to be.
6. One of my big toe nails is always, inexplicably cracked. It doesn't seem to go away and I find this weird.
7. I love my car.
8. My car is actually my first car ever. It's a maroon 2001 Dodge Neon.
9. I only got it last May, when I was 21.
10. I didn't get my license until I was halfway to age 19.
11. I've been in countless car accidents, but never while driving.
12. My mother and my high school friends were/are terrible, terrible drivers.
13. I get really, really angry at bad drivers.
14. My high school sweetheart was a good driver!
15. He was from Washington (state) and claimed that Massachusetts is the worst driving state he's ever been in.
16. Everyone in my office is awesome.
17. I have a secret crush on my boss.
18. I want a new job because this one doesn't pay enough (though it is easy) and the long commute sucks.
19. I don't want a new job because I don't want to tell my boss I'm quitting.
20. Harvard, MA is a very lovely town.
21. Sorrento's is a pizza place in Harvard that makes the best pizza I have ever had. My friends agree.
22. I hate rain because it makes my hair frizzy and wavy.
23. I love the sun.
24. I get A LOT of sunburns. I will likely have skin cancer not far in the future.
25. I drink much more often between May/June and September than I do any other time of the year.
26. I'm afraid of heights.
27. I have a weird, debilitating fear of large objects in water. It's hard to explain. Shows on the Discovery channel that go deep into the ocean to explore ship wrecks make me cower away from the television. Titanic was a horror movie for me, with its underwater iceberg shots and sinking and all. I'm even afraid of big rocks in the lake.
28. I really, really hate icebergs.
29. I have just learned that, according to this spellchecker, 'est' is a word.
30. I use dictionary.com all too often.
31. I use thesaurus.com when I'm writing and I can't think of the particular word I want to use there.
32. I believe women begin to display their crazy around 3 months into a relationship.
33. I really hate files at work that have an obscene amount of pages. Especially when they all say the exact same thing, or nothing important or relevant. I have to enter them anyway.
34. I know all the words to the Habanera in Carmen. I used to think it was spanish, but it is french.
35. I don't know what a latte is. Nor the difference between the kinds of drinks at Starbucks.
36. I've never been interested in cigarettes. Never even curious. I'm not sure why - I always want to try everything once.
37. No actor will ever be better than Simon Pegg in my eyes.
38. I like to pretend I don't ever want to get married or have a baby.
39. I just got a really strong craving for strawberry ice cream, and was surprised (and a little confused) to find I associate it with my mother.
40. If I say that I'm on a diet, it means I'm not eating any food for as long as I can manage - usually a few days.
41. I'm very bad at resisting temptations, whether it be food, sex, or procrastination.
42. I'm both lazy and very active. I wish there was a word for this.
43. I really do believe that, in general, I am awesome. Awesome friend, awesome girlfriend, awesome person.
44. I also have very, very serious self-worth issues, which seems illogical coming after number 43.
45. I develop crushes SUPER easily, but I only pursue those that I really am impressed by.
46. I'm incredibly impatient and hate waiting for anything (I want what I want and I want it right now). This results in lots of impulse buys and spontaneous ideas and plans.
47. I do not mind waiting for the boy I am pursuing now. He's amazing. I really want to know how his lips feel, though.
48. I'm 95% sure that he is interested me.
49. Regardless of number 48, I overanalyze everything, so I go back and forth when we are not hanging out. Sometimes, I'm sure he does (then the issue is why hasn't he made this crystal clear to me yet? Because I dated his friend?), and other times I'm sure he doesn't (he doesn't seem to try too hard to make time for me).
50. I drive myself insane in my own head, and I hate it.
51. I love all my friends so much. They are the funniest, nicest, smartest, and best people I could ever hope to know.
52. I want to move to the south for two reasons: Southerners are much friendlier and kinder than northerners, and rents are half the price.
53. I have a repeating trend in my overall contentedness. I latch onto a new interest or passion, which makes me happy, but over time, it descends until I am miserable. Then, I find something new, and I'm happy again. I need a job/hobby/trend that I can be passionate about to be really happy. I sometimes wonder if I have mild ADD.
54. I get scared thinking about what will happen if I run out of new things.
55. I like fast, upbeat music. A Wilhelm Scream is the absolute best for that.
56. Hardcore is my favorite, but I also listen to everything else, and sometimes that embarrasses me.
57. I get very annoyed at people who think hardcore is like death metal. Hardcore is short for hardcore punk, assholes. It's not growling or ridiculously technical guitar riffs or double bassing -- it's a faster, heavier form of punk.
58. This one's gross -- my current mouthwash, ACT mint fluoride rinse, leaves an aftertaste that reminds me of the way my mouth tastes after kissing someone who has been performing cunnilingus.
59. I am bisexual and think women are beautiful creatures, but I'm not a big fan of the vagina itself. I think they're weird-looking. The clitoris is awesome, though.
60. I really, really miss a girl I dated the summer before last. It's been 2 years, and I still miss her. She stopped answering my phone calls ages ago, and to this day won't answer my MySpace messages. I'm sorry, Armeny. You were great and I was stupid.
61. I like taking showers at night so I can straighten my hair the next day without having to blow dry. I hate blow drying.
62. I find marijuana to be a huge waste of money and time for me. It just makes me tired.
63. Once, I had some really good stuff and seriously thought I was going to float off into the sky. I asked my friend Mike if I could hold onto his arm.
64. I actually really liked my job at the Texas Roadhouse before I started serving. Serving sucks. But I was making $11 or $12 an hour as a To-Go Host. Super easy job, very fun atmosphere. I wish I hadn't quit. They would probably take me back, but I am much too prideful to try.
65. I hate being talked down to or patronized. Few things make me as angry as quickly.
66. My last boyfriend pretends to be unemotional and uncaring, still refuses to say he ever loved me (after 2 years), and claims that he hates everyone and wants to be alone -- but he's jealous that I am interested in someone else.
67. I do not feel bad because he was the one who chose not to resume the relationship after I came out of the three month depression following the loss of my brother.
68. My tongue piercing might have been the best decision I've made in the last several years. I love it so much.
69. Seeing this number still makes me laugh. I'm both mature and unbelievably immature at the same time.
70. Shows and songs about sex (like Californication and 'Closer' by NIN) turn me on. TLC's 'Red Light Special' makes me feel sexy.
71. Most kinds of touching with someone I'm interested in turns me on, including arms brushing, hugs, hand-holding, and the like.
72. I really, really like when men touch or kiss my neck, when they grab my ass with both hands, or when they press me up against something. I like aggressive men because I know that they want me, but I also like respectful, gentle men. I know, it's confusing for me, too.
73. I like animals more than I like people. I would most definitely save a dog over a human (anyone get the reference, there?).
74. I disagree with the concept of organized religion. People can believe whatever they want, but I don't want to hear about it. Too many people use it as an excuse to hate or do stupid things. I like that it gives hope and can bring people together, but it's definitely no good in the hands of the scared and stupid.
75. I try to give my significant others their privacy, and get really annoyed when they don't show me the same courtesy. DO NOT go through my phone or computer. I don't have anything to hide (usually), but it's incredibly rude and uncomfortable. And you don't trust me, which pisses me off.
76. I also believe I have been taken for granted in the majority of my relationships. I also find that once I leave, they tend to want me back, which is puzzling.
77. I have a lot of trouble not thinking about this boy I'm currently pursuing. He's just so awesome in so many ways. I swore I would never date another smoker, but it doesn't even bother me with him.
78. I don't do much work at work (clearly). Again, love my boss, but I just can't take it seriously.
79. I still live at home, and I'm not ashamed. When I have a good salary job, I'm all about my own place, but for now, rent-free is the way to go.
80. I'm an expert at waiting to go pee. I once held it for three full hours. I know it's not healthy, but it's so god damn annoying when I'm trying to drink a healthy amount of water.
81. I don't really think I'll ever write a novel.
82. I'm scared of thunderstorms, sharks, bugs, bees/hornets/wasps, car accidents, being in Worcester late at night, and an assorted jumble of things that I'm always surprised to find that I'm afraid of.
83. I'm also very jumpy. Loud noises and quick movements are frightening to me.
84. I think I like redheads. But not
85. My ex's brother is the sexiest redhead I've ever known. The new boy is about a half step behind him, and much sweeter.
86. I've always liked the idea of a steady, 9-5 job with a desk and a computer. I've always wanted to put pictures of my friends and family on my desk. I got a new lamp and a framed picture of my brother for this one.
87. I hate finding out people are ticklish, because then whenever I want to touch them, I tickle them. I know it's annoying, but I can't stop myself. This occurs mostly with non-touchy feely types - it's the easiest way to put my hands on them and get a response.
88. I think sitting on a couch and watching a fire in a fireplace while it's snowing outside would be the most romantic, relaxing date ever.
89. The hardcore show in March was one of the most exhilaratingly fun things I've ever done.
90. I really like snowboarding, but I hate the cold, so I don't go often. I always get really strong urges to go in the summer.
91. I like talking about myself. It's a terrible trait to have. I also talk to myself an awful lot.
92. My grandfather nicknamed me Squeaker when I was a baby. He claimed I made squeaking sounds in my sleep. It is my favorite nickname to date, though I can't remember anyone ever using it.
93. I think it's hilarious when people use the strike tag to cross words out. I also didn't know how to do it until I tried it in number 84.
94. I think suffocating/drowning or burning to death are the worst possible ways to die.
95. I think if I was pregnant, and ever had a miscarriage, I would probably not be able to handle it. Same with if I had a baby or child that died.
96. My friend Mike's lakehouse in summer is my number 1 favorite place of all time. Purgatory Chasm State Reservation in Northbridge, MA is my second favorite.
97. I love any food that involves bread, cheese, or a combination of the two. Also, pasta.
98. Chewing gum is much easier than I thought (I was afraid it would stick to the piercing or something). I'm a chronic gum-chewer because I'm paranoid about my breath.
99. This didn't actually get difficult until right now. I told you I like to talk about myself.
100. I'm very bad at concluding things.
Sorry that was so crazy-long.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
This is ironic because it's in my blog.
So I just discovered, while slacking at work, that Californication, my second favorite show ever, is definitely making a Season 2. Shut up, that's really exciting. They also have a pretend Wiki page, and on there, I found a page of top Hank Moody quotes. My favorite from there:
"[People] seem to be getting dumber and dumber. I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The Internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and 24-hour a day access to kiddie porn, you know. And people don’t write anymore, they blog; instead of talking, they text; no punctuation, no grammar. LOL this and LMFAO that. You know it just seems to me that it’s just a bunch of stupid people psuedo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the king’s English."
Hank Moody is the fucking man. I wish I was him, except me, and female. Actually, scratch that. I just wish I was him.
"[People] seem to be getting dumber and dumber. I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The Internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and 24-hour a day access to kiddie porn, you know. And people don’t write anymore, they blog; instead of talking, they text; no punctuation, no grammar. LOL this and LMFAO that. You know it just seems to me that it’s just a bunch of stupid people psuedo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the king’s English."
Hank Moody is the fucking man. I wish I was him, except me, and female. Actually, scratch that. I just wish I was him.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Side note about HIAs.
Further studies have found that Heaven in Aviators may also cause prolonged feelings of "butterflies in the stomach," as seen in the midsection of the patient of the board game, Operation.
Research scientists (i.e. me) studying these amazing creatures in vitro have found this side effect to be a most pleasant one, making waking up in the morning easier and giving the infected a pleasant demeanor. It even has the ability to bend time and make work days fly by at twice the speed of a normal day.
... I've never had butterflies before.
Monday, June 9, 2008
So I got my nose pierced. Then my tongue. It didn't really hurt.
Also, I didn't think I was sunburned from yesterday, but I woke up this morning and almost passed out standing at the sink. It was either from the pain, or dehydration. First, I thought I was going to puke, then I felt really dizzy, then my eyes rolled back into my head and I had to hold onto the counter. I stood there for a good five minutes before moving. It was scary.
Also, I didn't think I was sunburned from yesterday, but I woke up this morning and almost passed out standing at the sink. It was either from the pain, or dehydration. First, I thought I was going to puke, then I felt really dizzy, then my eyes rolled back into my head and I had to hold onto the counter. I stood there for a good five minutes before moving. It was scary.
Friday, May 30, 2008
June 21st!
June 21st is a big day for Project Z - we're having a big party in a creepy (but fixed up) barn for a showing of our first three films!
(We will not be doing this, and no one knows all the steps to Thriller except me)
Our makeup lady decided we should serve Zombies -- the cocktails -- and I love her for that idea. We're going to project the movies onto one of the walls, and we (or at least, I) are telling everyone we invite to bring whoever they want. We want it to be big.
So if you're reading this, you probably already know me and how to get into contact with me. Let me know if you need directions or have questions or whatever. No lame excuses -- I'll break your legs if you don't come.
Sidenote (really kind of a footnote, as it is at the foot of the text): In my spare time, I have been crushing on a very, very cute, funny, creative boy. So, rather than being productive and writing scripts, I've begun this. I have ever-so-cleverly disguised his name :)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Heaven in Aviators - an essay question.
Answered by Leia, who was cheating off my paper.
"HIA: Heaven In Aviators. Discuss.
After much research and scientific study, the brilliant minds of Wolf & Phoenix have joined together to share their findings with the world.
As Heaven In Aviators are well known, we do not need to discuss exactly what defines them. It should be known that though some believe that they can only be males, we have recently found proof that there is a female variety as well. Though for today’s discussion we shall stick to the topic we known far more about, the male sector of HIA.
Common Side Effects:
- Goosebumps
It is very common for one to get goosebumps not only when they see but think about HIA. - Loss of Speech
Though some do not feel or have overcome this side effect, it is still a very common occurance so it must be listed. - Loss of Clothing
One of the most common side effects when one encounters a HIA.
Often occurring to the subject but also includes the HIA on occasion. - Random Fantasies
These fantasies can occur at work or at any other time of the day.
Do not be alarmed. They are normal and not dangerous.
Though if they continue and begin to distract you from every day life it is suggested that one fulfills their fantasies with the HIA of their choice.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Accomplishment!
Project Z just finished our first movie! We haven't done any editing or anything yet, but it looks fantastic as is.
The premier is on the 30th (Friday), assumed to be at Jarret's apartment. Everyone should come and see how awesome we are. More details and links to come.
The premier is on the 30th (Friday), assumed to be at Jarret's apartment. Everyone should come and see how awesome we are. More details and links to come.
Friday, May 23, 2008
It's been a while, shoot me. No, really.
So for those of you that still occasionally check out my poor, neglected blog, I figured I'd give you a bit of an update to what I've been doing lately.
For those of you that talk to me often, I've been clamoring to get the hell out of this state, so when Jarret got accepted to NIU, I figured I'd move on out to Illinois, too - at least I'd know someone, right? So I threw my resume up on Craigslist, applied to several jobs, and looked up countless apartments. So far, I've been offered two separate jobs, one of which sounds like a really good fit for me, at least for a while.
And then, yesterday, I changed my mind. No, I'm not moving. Yet. Instead, I'm going to Quinsig for an associate's in Nursing Education, so I can be an RN. Yeah, from psychologist to cop to administrative assistant for the rest of my life to RN. After that, I'm hoping to get a position down in Nashville (the rents down there are like $400 a month, no lie). My grammy lives down there, too :)
On top of the RN thing, I still have that pesky life-long dream of being a writer. So today, I submitted this little number to Gore and Shock Provoked, or G.A.S.P., magazine. Here's crossing my fingers.
Okay, one last thing: Jill, my favorite person in the world, decided to make her own blog. It's called From the Land of Jill, and is on my Tasty Links bar over there. Go visit, say hi. She's great!
Alright, that's all. See you in another month or two.
For those of you that talk to me often, I've been clamoring to get the hell out of this state, so when Jarret got accepted to NIU, I figured I'd move on out to Illinois, too - at least I'd know someone, right? So I threw my resume up on Craigslist, applied to several jobs, and looked up countless apartments. So far, I've been offered two separate jobs, one of which sounds like a really good fit for me, at least for a while.
And then, yesterday, I changed my mind. No, I'm not moving. Yet. Instead, I'm going to Quinsig for an associate's in Nursing Education, so I can be an RN. Yeah, from psychologist to cop to administrative assistant for the rest of my life to RN. After that, I'm hoping to get a position down in Nashville (the rents down there are like $400 a month, no lie). My grammy lives down there, too :)
On top of the RN thing, I still have that pesky life-long dream of being a writer. So today, I submitted this little number to Gore and Shock Provoked, or G.A.S.P., magazine. Here's crossing my fingers.
Okay, one last thing: Jill, my favorite person in the world, decided to make her own blog. It's called From the Land of Jill, and is on my Tasty Links bar over there. Go visit, say hi. She's great!
Alright, that's all. See you in another month or two.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dear idiots...
Okay, I'd like to start with some personal outrage: How do you not believe in evolution?! You can't just decide not to see all the evidence in the world all around you! Selective sight doesn't give you the right to discredit the theory of evolution, and hope anyone who thinks so will accidentally put both hands into a meat grinder.
So, I just read about this movie called Expelled. It was originally supposed to be called "Crossroads," because it was intended to explore the "intersection of science and religion," and even had the consent of Dr. Dawkins. Apparently, though, the title and production company changed, and the people that were interviewed were not informed of this.
To me, this is kind of like when I walk outside of a bar or restaurant and get a faceful of smoke, I think, People still smoke? This time, it's just getting an eyeful of things like this:
And I have to wonder, People are still arguing about this stuff?
For God's sake (pun quite intended), take a damn biology class.
I think the worst thing is the movie. I haven't seen it, but I've watch both the trailer and extended trailer. This movie isn't about the difference between Intelligent Design and Darwinism; no, it's about how society attacks and discriminates against anyone that believes in Intelligent Design. Look:
Ben Stein warns you in the extended trailer that by watching this movie you may lose your friends or your job. I wouldn't be against it if it was an actual intelligent film that explores two different views, but it isn't. It's fine that the ID people want to have their say, but it isn't fine that they make everyone else out to be bad guys. "Oh, you believe in evolution? You'll probably discriminate against me because I don't."
Maybe it's true. Okay, fine. Then why aren't you advertising a movie that talks about the hardships of ID believers in society? Why are you claiming to discuss the similarities and differences of two different theories?
So, I just read about this movie called Expelled. It was originally supposed to be called "Crossroads," because it was intended to explore the "intersection of science and religion," and even had the consent of Dr. Dawkins. Apparently, though, the title and production company changed, and the people that were interviewed were not informed of this.
To me, this is kind of like when I walk outside of a bar or restaurant and get a faceful of smoke, I think, People still smoke? This time, it's just getting an eyeful of things like this:
And I have to wonder, People are still arguing about this stuff?
For God's sake (pun quite intended), take a damn biology class.
I think the worst thing is the movie. I haven't seen it, but I've watch both the trailer and extended trailer. This movie isn't about the difference between Intelligent Design and Darwinism; no, it's about how society attacks and discriminates against anyone that believes in Intelligent Design. Look:
Ben Stein warns you in the extended trailer that by watching this movie you may lose your friends or your job. I wouldn't be against it if it was an actual intelligent film that explores two different views, but it isn't. It's fine that the ID people want to have their say, but it isn't fine that they make everyone else out to be bad guys. "Oh, you believe in evolution? You'll probably discriminate against me because I don't."
Maybe it's true. Okay, fine. Then why aren't you advertising a movie that talks about the hardships of ID believers in society? Why are you claiming to discuss the similarities and differences of two different theories?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I <3 Hardcore
So last night, a friend reminded me that I had made plans to go to a hardcore show - Firestorm Fest 2008 at the Palladium in Worcester - with him. When he told me, I was still at work, trying to pretend I didn't have a throbbing headache and occasional waves of dizziness. I ended up leaving early, and all I wanted to do was go home and go to sleep. Then again, this was a friend I had neglected to see for quite a while for no good reason, and besides, I wanted to see Shai Hulud live!So he picked me up, paid for parking, and found a place far from the mosh pit so I wouldn't get hurt. We showed up about 2 hours after the show had actually started (we missed On Broken Wings, Randomshots, Rick Whispers, Since the Flood, and Unholy), and walked in right as one band finished. We stood through Down to Nothing and Recon, which weren't bad but I had never heard of them, and instead of watching the performances, I was entranced by the pit. The hardcore dancers weren't being assholes and beating the shit out of each other as I had expected -- they were doing it right and just dancing. As the bands went through their sets, I got antsy. I wanted to be down there.
So I expressed my feelings, but we hesitated, because we had a good vantage point where we were. When Shai Hulud came on, though, things changed. We hurried around the crowd to the edge of the people ringing the pit, then Jarret said he'd be right back and disappeared. I stood, surrounded by bodies and staring at the pit, until I felt someone tap my arm. Looking forward, I was greeted with a vision of my guide, holding out a hand to me from a spot close to the stage, with a bright white stage light shining in my face over his head. It was almost a holy moment. The next thing I knew, we were pressed up against the barricade, center stage, no more than five feet from where Matt Mazzali was standing, thrusting his mic into the crowd. Someone caught a picture -- it's like a Where's Waldo, can you find us?:
After Shai Hulud came Sworn Enemy, and the crowd got a bit rowdier. I loved it. We were crushed up against the barricade and had to always look around to make sure no fists or feet were coming our way, but I was right in front of an incredibly jacked, 6'5" bouncer, so I was all set (then again, later in the show, that was the same huge guy who got knocked forward and nearly cracked my skull with his forehead. Unfortunately, no battle scar remains.) If anyone crawled over the crowd, and I didn't push them over fast enough, the bouncer reached over my head and did it before they could get close enough to cause injury. I decided then that I like being the only chick near the pit at a hardcore show. Anyway, the band was fun, and though Matt had only stood on the barricade to our right, Sal Lococo was more than happy to move to other areas, including right in front of us, where I got a faceful of his crotch as people piled up, trying to get their chance to scream lyrics into the microphone.
Their set was good, but it was nothing compared to the show Terror put on. I swear that Scott Vogel was trying to kill me, because he kept telling everyone to move up and climb over everybody. I bet the bouncers didn't like it when he urged the crowd to climb right over the baricades; a few guys tried, and got tossed back like rag dolls. I also got a faceful of his crotch (I look thrilled right before my sight was filled with his camo shorts) and ended up at the bottom at yet another pile-up.
Finally, the reason everyone was there (well, I was really there to see Shai Hulud) showed up, after taking a freakin' half hour to set up. Earth Crisis was, by far, the best recieved band, which is cool, considering their stance on most issues. I find that I don't really like their music -- though live they're amazing -- but I do support their messages. I was pretty excited that I got multiple facefuls of Karl Beuchner's crotch, but there was a moment that scared the hell out of me -- one of the stage divers accidentally caught Karl and knocked him off the barricade. He was fine, but the bouncers kept their hands on his back to hold him up after that. Still, they were awesome, and I loved every song live even if I'm not a fan of the recorded versions.
I'm told that I have some bragging rights over the fact that, at the end of ECs last and biggest song, Firestorm, we were the base of the massive pile-up. You're jealous, I know you are.
And you should be.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
So, I'm a writer.
Well, actually I just like to write. I can't really claim the title of 'Writer' because A. I don't live in L.A. or Hollywood, and B. I can never seem to finish anything. Ever.
Sure, sure, every once in a while, I'll manage to force myself to the end of a short story. Once, I even won third place in a short story contest for this one. Sometimes I churn out complete thoughts, usually inspired by songs (for example, Sanctuary by Utada Hikaru produced this, and Lacuna Coil's Comalies brought about one of my longer stories).
Still most of my ideas dissolve before I finish the first page. I could absolutely force myself to continue writing, but I've always thought (and was thrilled to find Stephen King felt the same) that forced writing is the kind that produces wooden characters and dull plots. If it isn't itching at the tips of your fingers, there's little reason to put it on paper.
It's pretty frustrating. I love writing, creating characters and worlds, sometimes making them feel as real as the people I see everyday. And why couldn't they? You don't know anything about the people you pass in traffic, or that guy sitting in front of you on the bus. How do you know it's not his or her or their story you're telling?
You don't. And maybe that's the draw of writing. Still, a writer doesn't really have control over their characters. I know most of you probably don't believe that, but it's true. The characters, in a way, are unique entities -- everything that happens in a story happens because of them, not the writer. The writer is just a channel.
Ask Mr. King.
Either way, I don't know why I can't follow through with anything (and I wish it was only my writing aspect of my life that that applied to), but it drives me nuts and sometimes I want to tear my hair out and put mustard in my eyes. Yes, mustard.
My latest half-work is this little bugger. I love this one. No exaggeration. I think, finished, it'll be an amazing novel. I'm generally modest, but I have never doubted my writing ability, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If I could actually sit down with no distractions and just write, I think I could have a cushy life in store. Unfortunately, though, I can't, and that, so I'm stuck working full time in an office that's forty minutes away. Do you know how much I spend on gas each week?
I guess, in conclusion, I really recommend that you do what you really want to, and do it well, or else you won't do it at all ("What is she even saying?").
Sure, sure, every once in a while, I'll manage to force myself to the end of a short story. Once, I even won third place in a short story contest for this one. Sometimes I churn out complete thoughts, usually inspired by songs (for example, Sanctuary by Utada Hikaru produced this, and Lacuna Coil's Comalies brought about one of my longer stories).
Still most of my ideas dissolve before I finish the first page. I could absolutely force myself to continue writing, but I've always thought (and was thrilled to find Stephen King felt the same) that forced writing is the kind that produces wooden characters and dull plots. If it isn't itching at the tips of your fingers, there's little reason to put it on paper.
It's pretty frustrating. I love writing, creating characters and worlds, sometimes making them feel as real as the people I see everyday. And why couldn't they? You don't know anything about the people you pass in traffic, or that guy sitting in front of you on the bus. How do you know it's not his or her or their story you're telling?
You don't. And maybe that's the draw of writing. Still, a writer doesn't really have control over their characters. I know most of you probably don't believe that, but it's true. The characters, in a way, are unique entities -- everything that happens in a story happens because of them, not the writer. The writer is just a channel.
Ask Mr. King.
Either way, I don't know why I can't follow through with anything (and I wish it was only my writing aspect of my life that that applied to), but it drives me nuts and sometimes I want to tear my hair out and put mustard in my eyes. Yes, mustard.
My latest half-work is this little bugger. I love this one. No exaggeration. I think, finished, it'll be an amazing novel. I'm generally modest, but I have never doubted my writing ability, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If I could actually sit down with no distractions and just write, I think I could have a cushy life in store. Unfortunately, though, I can't, and that, so I'm stuck working full time in an office that's forty minutes away. Do you know how much I spend on gas each week?
I guess, in conclusion, I really recommend that you do what you really want to, and do it well, or else you won't do it at all ("What is she even saying?").
In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
'Til the silence splits me open
I run
'Til it puts me underground
'Til I have no breath
And no roads left but one
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