Sweet, cute, innocent... death metal?

I am at work right now (there is a reason I don't deserve a raise). I'm sitting at my desk, in the office that I have all to myself, with torture devices files to my left, tea in my hand, and my iPod in my ear. I can almost imagine my brother's picture smiling with me when some heavy Shai Hulud comes on. It occurs to me that any coworkers who happen to notice the iPod will likely assume I'm listening to some Paris Hilton girly pop songs. Those of you who know Shai Hulud will see how ridiculous this mental picture is. Those of you that don't, well, picture this:

You work in a very small office (5 people total). You and the other three people have been there for years, but in February, you decided to hire someone to enter all the files into the database. This girl is quiet and shy. She generally only responds to conversation, never initiates. Today, she is wearing a fluffy skirt and her hair down. When you bid her a good morning, she turns and, with a sweet little smile, squeaks out the same to you. You happen to notice she's listening to her iPod.

Now, think about Shai Hulud. If you don't know them, think of heavy guitar, fast bass, and the singer screaming, "I'm prepared to fight humanity every day FOR THE REST OF MY LIIIIIIFE!"

I had Shai Hulud on during my morning commute, and was happily singing along to A Profound Hatred of Man. Cheerful, upbeat, childlike me was singing/screaming at the top of my lungs, "If these hands could only kill, I'd cleanse the world with IT'S OWN BLOOOOOD!" Good morning, Massachusetts.

I just think it's a funny that people think I'm so boring innocent and naive. People, I am not.

Possibly the best conversation ever (slightly abridged).

Friend: What are those round candies?

Me: ... What, like Lifesavers?

Friend: No, no... they're all round and in a stack in the packaging

Me: ...... Gummi Lifesavers?

Friend: No, hard candies.

Me: Creamsavers?

Friend: Smaller than those. Different colors.

Me: ......... I don't fuckin' know.

Friend: Oh right, they're Smarties!

Me: ..........

Friend: This kid has a belt that holds about 20 or 30 packets of them.

Me: .......................... That is awesome.

The speed of light society.

There's no doubt that the one recurring theme in today's America is obesity speed. Everything has to be fast: fast cars, fast service, fast sex food. People are always in a rush, even when they have nowhere to be (I've admittely been guilty of such). We exceed the speed limit, tailgate, get angry when our waitress forgot something small and has to run back to the kitchen to get it, complain loudly when our meal takes more than ten minutes, and make those annoyed sighing sounds when someone takes too long to pay for their groceries and holds up the line all of four seconds. Look, lady, I don't care if you're seventy and have a broken leg but still have to take care of your ailing husband and your granddaughter's year old love child -- I GOT SHIT TO DO!

Okay, so I might be exaggerating. A little. Maybe.... or maybe not at all. Either way, food and driving and such are not the only things that are moving too fast for my tastes. There are also the big Rs.

RELATIONSHIPS.

Remember back in the sixties? Women used to wear those stupid poodle skirts and short-sleeved sweaters (who ever invented those ridiculous things?), and guys used to slick back their hair and dress nice:


(This picture is not actually from the sixties, and I didn't get him to sign a release, so let's hope he doesn't deny the verbal agreement and sue me. Handsome, though, ain't he? :-D )

Back then, people used to do this thing called dating. I know that may sound kind of foreign to some of you, but listen here: it exists! No, no, it's not the same as "going out" -- going out suggests an exclusive relationship. See, dating is just what it sounds like - going on dates! You go on dates, get to know each other, and then decide if you want to begin an actual relationship.

Yes, yes, I realize that sounds old fashioned and boring. But let me tell you -- it's a lot easier to stop seeing someone you're not interested in if you're just dating, as opposed to having to go through the break-up process. Easier and less emotionally messy.

All I'm saying is slow the hell down, people. There's absolutely no reason to leap headfirst into a relationship with someone you hardly know just because you "kinda had fun together that one time." I'm just saying it's a little quick to go out once, then talk about moving in together and all the children you'll have and where you'll live and what the wedding will be like.

Puke sequence activated: *gag*

What ever happened to taking the time to get to know someone? To enjoy their company for a while before putting all the pressure of a relationship on the two of you? I happen to find that taking things slow makes me like a person so much more than if we jump right into it (in all honesty, if things move that fast, I often lose interest). A little mystery adds an element of excitement to everything! Not knowing when you'll see each other next adds a bit of sweet longing for that next meeting!

Does anyone follow me? At all?

Eh, screw you guys. You're all dirty whores.

Life is...

There are a million words or phrases you could use to complete that sentence: shit, being alive, death, art, makin' babies, consciousness, yadda yadda. I wrote today that I think life is "just a series of let-downs combined with a perpetual hope that the future will bring something better."

If you think about it, doesn't that make sense? Especially for 20-somethings in lower middle class suburban New England like myself. Got a new job that it turns out you hate? No worries, you'll get a better one eventually. Really like someone but find out it's pretty unlikely you'll ever have them? Oh, whatever, someone better will come along.

Is this existence? Is this really what it's supposed to be? You just constantly strive for better things, better jobs, better boyfriends or girlfriends? Then what, you have kids and strive for better things and lives for them?

I'm not sure I see the point in any of it. What if there isn't anything after this life? If there's nothing to look forward to, why bother with anything at all?

What if there is something after this? Is it just a pointless circle that you go around and around forever and ever? Or is it like Buddhism's Nirvana, a state you only get to after you have perfected your soul throughout your many reincarnations?

If there's an ultimate goal... what's next? What comes after that?

I guess I'm having a mini-existential crisis. I've had a real one before, and let me tell you, that was not a good time. I'm pretty sure that's why people commit suicide.

Have you ever seen the early evening, post-rain glow of a cloudy sky? That light makes me feel lonely and nostalgic, but it's not really a bad feeling. I'm calm and relaxed, and I don't mind being alone, but it makes me yearn for all the things and people I've lost. The people others have lost. What kind of life is this, where we just lose those we love and move on?

I can see my brother's picture on my nightstand, and I can almost hear him trying to reason out answers to some of my questions. I know by the end of it, I'd have my hope renewed all over again, and wouldn't have another dive into the world of Nihilism for a couple months. He was always good at that.

I do apologize for the dismal post, but hey, it's my freakin' blog.

Some things you never, ever cared to know about me

I don't try to fool myself into thinking I have a blog audience here. If I did more to promote it (on sites like blogcatalog.com, maybe), I probably would. Really, though, it's just a place for my to vent and occasionally send a friend a link so I don't have to explain something again.

On that note, I've been reading Rura and Miss, a pretty awesome little blog about a pretty awesome little lady. She likes to keep up with blog trends and the like, so I've decided to steal '100 random things about myself' (her first half est ici) from her because I'm bored at work.

Here goes.

1. I have an unnatural obsession with cats.
2. I also have an unnatural obsession with my bangs - they have to be straight all the time, or I'm angry.
3. I seem to have a penchant toward being obsessed with things in general.
4. My obsessions are usually short lived, but I don't think it ever goes away, just switches from thing to thing.
5. I'm just realizing how hard this thing is going to be.
6. One of my big toe nails is always, inexplicably cracked. It doesn't seem to go away and I find this weird.
7. I love my car.
8. My car is actually my first car ever. It's a maroon 2001 Dodge Neon.
9. I only got it last May, when I was 21.
10. I didn't get my license until I was halfway to age 19.
11. I've been in countless car accidents, but never while driving.
12. My mother and my high school friends were/are terrible, terrible drivers.
13. I get really, really angry at bad drivers.
14. My high school sweetheart was a good driver!
15. He was from Washington (state) and claimed that Massachusetts is the worst driving state he's ever been in.
16. Everyone in my office is awesome.
17. I have a secret crush on my boss.
18. I want a new job because this one doesn't pay enough (though it is easy) and the long commute sucks.
19. I don't want a new job because I don't want to tell my boss I'm quitting.
20. Harvard, MA is a very lovely town.
21. Sorrento's is a pizza place in Harvard that makes the best pizza I have ever had. My friends agree.
22. I hate rain because it makes my hair frizzy and wavy.
23. I love the sun.
24. I get A LOT of sunburns. I will likely have skin cancer not far in the future.
25. I drink much more often between May/June and September than I do any other time of the year.
26. I'm afraid of heights.
27. I have a weird, debilitating fear of large objects in water. It's hard to explain. Shows on the Discovery channel that go deep into the ocean to explore ship wrecks make me cower away from the television. Titanic was a horror movie for me, with its underwater iceberg shots and sinking and all. I'm even afraid of big rocks in the lake.
28. I really, really hate icebergs.
29. I have just learned that, according to this spellchecker, 'est' is a word.
30. I use dictionary.com all too often.
31. I use thesaurus.com when I'm writing and I can't think of the particular word I want to use there.
32. I believe women begin to display their crazy around 3 months into a relationship.
33. I really hate files at work that have an obscene amount of pages. Especially when they all say the exact same thing, or nothing important or relevant. I have to enter them anyway.
34. I know all the words to the Habanera in Carmen. I used to think it was spanish, but it is french.
35. I don't know what a latte is. Nor the difference between the kinds of drinks at Starbucks.
36. I've never been interested in cigarettes. Never even curious. I'm not sure why - I always want to try everything once.
37. No actor will ever be better than Simon Pegg in my eyes.
38. I like to pretend I don't ever want to get married or have a baby.
39. I just got a really strong craving for strawberry ice cream, and was surprised (and a little confused) to find I associate it with my mother.
40. If I say that I'm on a diet, it means I'm not eating any food for as long as I can manage - usually a few days.
41. I'm very bad at resisting temptations, whether it be food, sex, or procrastination.
42. I'm both lazy and very active. I wish there was a word for this.
43. I really do believe that, in general, I am awesome. Awesome friend, awesome girlfriend, awesome person.
44. I also have very, very serious self-worth issues, which seems illogical coming after number 43.
45. I develop crushes SUPER easily, but I only pursue those that I really am impressed by.
46. I'm incredibly impatient and hate waiting for anything (I want what I want and I want it right now). This results in lots of impulse buys and spontaneous ideas and plans.
47. I do not mind waiting for the boy I am pursuing now. He's amazing. I really want to know how his lips feel, though.
48. I'm 95% sure that he is interested me.
49. Regardless of number 48, I overanalyze everything, so I go back and forth when we are not hanging out. Sometimes, I'm sure he does (then the issue is why hasn't he made this crystal clear to me yet? Because I dated his friend?), and other times I'm sure he doesn't (he doesn't seem to try too hard to make time for me).
50. I drive myself insane in my own head, and I hate it.
51. I love all my friends so much. They are the funniest, nicest, smartest, and best people I could ever hope to know.
52. I want to move to the south for two reasons: Southerners are much friendlier and kinder than northerners, and rents are half the price.
53. I have a repeating trend in my overall contentedness. I latch onto a new interest or passion, which makes me happy, but over time, it descends until I am miserable. Then, I find something new, and I'm happy again. I need a job/hobby/trend that I can be passionate about to be really happy. I sometimes wonder if I have mild ADD.
54. I get scared thinking about what will happen if I run out of new things.
55. I like fast, upbeat music. A Wilhelm Scream is the absolute best for that.
56. Hardcore is my favorite, but I also listen to everything else, and sometimes that embarrasses me.
57. I get very annoyed at people who think hardcore is like death metal. Hardcore is short for hardcore punk, assholes. It's not growling or ridiculously technical guitar riffs or double bassing -- it's a faster, heavier form of punk.
58. This one's gross -- my current mouthwash, ACT mint fluoride rinse, leaves an aftertaste that reminds me of the way my mouth tastes after kissing someone who has been performing cunnilingus.
59. I am bisexual and think women are beautiful creatures, but I'm not a big fan of the vagina itself. I think they're weird-looking. The clitoris is awesome, though.
60. I really, really miss a girl I dated the summer before last. It's been 2 years, and I still miss her. She stopped answering my phone calls ages ago, and to this day won't answer my MySpace messages. I'm sorry, Armeny. You were great and I was stupid.
61. I like taking showers at night so I can straighten my hair the next day without having to blow dry. I hate blow drying.
62. I find marijuana to be a huge waste of money and time for me. It just makes me tired.
63. Once, I had some really good stuff and seriously thought I was going to float off into the sky. I asked my friend Mike if I could hold onto his arm.
64. I actually really liked my job at the Texas Roadhouse before I started serving. Serving sucks. But I was making $11 or $12 an hour as a To-Go Host. Super easy job, very fun atmosphere. I wish I hadn't quit. They would probably take me back, but I am much too prideful to try.
65. I hate being talked down to or patronized. Few things make me as angry as quickly.
66. My last boyfriend pretends to be unemotional and uncaring, still refuses to say he ever loved me (after 2 years), and claims that he hates everyone and wants to be alone -- but he's jealous that I am interested in someone else.
67. I do not feel bad because he was the one who chose not to resume the relationship after I came out of the three month depression following the loss of my brother.
68. My tongue piercing might have been the best decision I've made in the last several years. I love it so much.
69. Seeing this number still makes me laugh. I'm both mature and unbelievably immature at the same time.
70. Shows and songs about sex (like Californication and 'Closer' by NIN) turn me on. TLC's 'Red Light Special' makes me feel sexy.
71. Most kinds of touching with someone I'm interested in turns me on, including arms brushing, hugs, hand-holding, and the like.
72. I really, really like when men touch or kiss my neck, when they grab my ass with both hands, or when they press me up against something. I like aggressive men because I know that they want me, but I also like respectful, gentle men. I know, it's confusing for me, too.
73. I like animals more than I like people. I would most definitely save a dog over a human (anyone get the reference, there?).
74. I disagree with the concept of organized religion. People can believe whatever they want, but I don't want to hear about it. Too many people use it as an excuse to hate or do stupid things. I like that it gives hope and can bring people together, but it's definitely no good in the hands of the scared and stupid.
75. I try to give my significant others their privacy, and get really annoyed when they don't show me the same courtesy. DO NOT go through my phone or computer. I don't have anything to hide (usually), but it's incredibly rude and uncomfortable. And you don't trust me, which pisses me off.
76. I also believe I have been taken for granted in the majority of my relationships. I also find that once I leave, they tend to want me back, which is puzzling.
77. I have a lot of trouble not thinking about this boy I'm currently pursuing. He's just so awesome in so many ways. I swore I would never date another smoker, but it doesn't even bother me with him.
78. I don't do much work at work (clearly). Again, love my boss, but I just can't take it seriously.
79. I still live at home, and I'm not ashamed. When I have a good salary job, I'm all about my own place, but for now, rent-free is the way to go.
80. I'm an expert at waiting to go pee. I once held it for three full hours. I know it's not healthy, but it's so god damn annoying when I'm trying to drink a healthy amount of water.
81. I don't really think I'll ever write a novel.
82. I'm scared of thunderstorms, sharks, bugs, bees/hornets/wasps, car accidents, being in Worcester late at night, and an assorted jumble of things that I'm always surprised to find that I'm afraid of.
83. I'm also very jumpy. Loud noises and quick movements are frightening to me.
84. I think I like redheads. But not what are they called gingers.
85. My ex's brother is the sexiest redhead I've ever known. The new boy is about a half step behind him, and much sweeter.
86. I've always liked the idea of a steady, 9-5 job with a desk and a computer. I've always wanted to put pictures of my friends and family on my desk. I got a new lamp and a framed picture of my brother for this one.
87. I hate finding out people are ticklish, because then whenever I want to touch them, I tickle them. I know it's annoying, but I can't stop myself. This occurs mostly with non-touchy feely types - it's the easiest way to put my hands on them and get a response.
88. I think sitting on a couch and watching a fire in a fireplace while it's snowing outside would be the most romantic, relaxing date ever.
89. The hardcore show in March was one of the most exhilaratingly fun things I've ever done.
90. I really like snowboarding, but I hate the cold, so I don't go often. I always get really strong urges to go in the summer.
91. I like talking about myself. It's a terrible trait to have. I also talk to myself an awful lot.
92. My grandfather nicknamed me Squeaker when I was a baby. He claimed I made squeaking sounds in my sleep. It is my favorite nickname to date, though I can't remember anyone ever using it.
93. I think it's hilarious when people use the strike tag to cross words out. I also didn't know how to do it until I tried it in number 84.
94. I think suffocating/drowning or burning to death are the worst possible ways to die.
95. I think if I was pregnant, and ever had a miscarriage, I would probably not be able to handle it. Same with if I had a baby or child that died.
96. My friend Mike's lakehouse in summer is my number 1 favorite place of all time. Purgatory Chasm State Reservation in Northbridge, MA is my second favorite.
97. I love any food that involves bread, cheese, or a combination of the two. Also, pasta.
98. Chewing gum is much easier than I thought (I was afraid it would stick to the piercing or something). I'm a chronic gum-chewer because I'm paranoid about my breath.
99. This didn't actually get difficult until right now. I told you I like to talk about myself.
100. I'm very bad at concluding things.

Sorry that was so crazy-long.

This is ironic because it's in my blog.

So I just discovered, while slacking at work, that Californication, my second favorite show ever, is definitely making a Season 2. Shut up, that's really exciting. They also have a pretend Wiki page, and on there, I found a page of top Hank Moody quotes. My favorite from there:

"[People] seem to be getting dumber and dumber. I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The Internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and 24-hour a day access to kiddie porn, you know. And people don’t write anymore, they blog; instead of talking, they text; no punctuation, no grammar. LOL this and LMFAO that. You know it just seems to me that it’s just a bunch of stupid people psuedo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the king’s English."

Hank Moody is the fucking man. I wish I was him, except me, and female. Actually, scratch that. I just wish I was him.

Side note about HIAs.

Further studies have found that Heaven in Aviators may also cause prolonged feelings of "butterflies in the stomach," as seen in the midsection of the patient of the board game, Operation.

Research scientists (i.e. me) studying these amazing creatures in vitro have found this side effect to be a most pleasant one, making waking up in the morning easier and giving the infected a pleasant demeanor. It even has the ability to bend time and make work days fly by at twice the speed of a normal day.

... I've never had butterflies before.

So I got my nose pierced. Then my tongue. It didn't really hurt.

Also, I didn't think I was sunburned from yesterday, but I woke up this morning and almost passed out standing at the sink. It was either from the pain, or dehydration. First, I thought I was going to puke, then I felt really dizzy, then my eyes rolled back into my head and I had to hold onto the counter. I stood there for a good five minutes before moving. It was scary.

June 21st!

June 21st is a big day for Project Z - we're having a big party in a creepy (but fixed up) barn for a showing of our first three films!

(We will not be doing this, and no one knows all the steps to Thriller except me)

Our makeup lady decided we should serve Zombies -- the cocktails -- and I love her for that idea. We're going to project the movies onto one of the walls, and we (or at least, I) are telling everyone we invite to bring whoever they want. We want it to be big.

So if you're reading this, you probably already know me and how to get into contact with me. Let me know if you need directions or have questions or whatever. No lame excuses -- I'll break your legs if you don't come.





Sidenote (really kind of a footnote, as it is at the foot of the text): In my spare time, I have been crushing on a very, very cute, funny, creative boy. So, rather than being productive and writing scripts, I've begun this. I have ever-so-cleverly disguised his name :)

Heaven in Aviators - an essay question.

Answered by Leia, who was cheating off my paper.

"HIA: Heaven In Aviators. Discuss.

After much research and scientific study, the brilliant minds of Wolf & Phoenix have joined together to share their findings with the world.

As Heaven In Aviators are well known, we do not need to discuss exactly what defines them. It should be known that though some believe that they can only be males, we have recently found proof that there is a female variety as well. Though for today’s discussion we shall stick to the topic we known far more about, the male sector of HIA.

Common Side Effects:

• Goosebumps
  It is very common for one to get goosebumps not only when they see but think about HIA.
  
• Loss of Speech
  Though some do not feel or have overcome this side effect, it is still a very common occurance so it must be listed.
  
• Loss of Clothing
  One of the most common side effects when one encounters a HIA.
  Often occurring to the subject but also includes the HIA on occasion.
  
• Random Fantasies
  These fantasies can occur at work or at any other time of the day.
  Do not be alarmed. They are normal and not dangerous.
  Though if they continue and begin to distract you from every day life it is suggested that one fulfills their fantasies with the HIA of their choice.
  

Sadly HIAs are not sold in stores and must be found. It often takes years to find a true HIA but once found, it is suggested that one immediately grab them fast as they are a rare and valuable commodity."

Accomplishment!

Project Z just finished our first movie! We haven't done any editing or anything yet, but it looks fantastic as is.

The premier is on the 30th (Friday), assumed to be at Jarret's apartment. Everyone should come and see how awesome we are. More details and links to come.

It's been a while, shoot me. No, really.

So for those of you that still occasionally check out my poor, neglected blog, I figured I'd give you a bit of an update to what I've been doing lately.

For those of you that talk to me often, I've been clamoring to get the hell out of this state, so when Jarret got accepted to NIU, I figured I'd move on out to Illinois, too - at least I'd know someone, right? So I threw my resume up on Craigslist, applied to several jobs, and looked up countless apartments. So far, I've been offered two separate jobs, one of which sounds like a really good fit for me, at least for a while.

And then, yesterday, I changed my mind. No, I'm not moving. Yet. Instead, I'm going to Quinsig for an associate's in Nursing Education, so I can be an RN. Yeah, from psychologist to cop to administrative assistant for the rest of my life to RN. After that, I'm hoping to get a position down in Nashville (the rents down there are like $400 a month, no lie). My grammy lives down there, too :)

On top of the RN thing, I still have that pesky life-long dream of being a writer. So today, I submitted this little number to Gore and Shock Provoked, or G.A.S.P., magazine. Here's crossing my fingers.

Okay, one last thing: Jill, my favorite person in the world, decided to make her own blog. It's called From the Land of Jill, and is on my Tasty Links bar over there. Go visit, say hi. She's great!

Alright, that's all. See you in another month or two.