And so it has begun.

I have a cup of coffee sitting next to me again. It cooled to a drinkable temperature, and then somehow, 3/4 of it disappeared down my throat in two minutes. And this time, it actually tastes... dare I say it.... good (though, really, that might be the seventeen teaspoons of sugar in it).

This is terrible. I am already trying to plan out my next cup, and I am quite horrified by the fact that we appear to be just about out of sugar here at the office. I will later try to talk the redheaded boy into a trip to Dunkin Donuts when I see him later -- he is going to laugh maniacally, because coffee is one of his things. Also, he finds amusement in corruption. Either way, my response will be mock anger, which will probably change to ill-contained joy when he agrees to go with me.

The Devil's Cup. I know absolutely nothing about this book other than the title is quite apt for this awful stuff. Good work, Mr. Allen.

Stay tuned for updates on my energy level, inevitable crash, and slow leveling out. Yesterday, I had about three full hours of hyperactivity, followed by an hour of yawning and dropping eyelids, and then I came back to normal for the rest of the evening. We'll see how it goes on a full night's sleep.


Edit (10:12 AM): About an hour after I wrote this, I was lamenting the lack of sugar here when a little voice in my head piped up with, "Hey, hey, yo, hi, hey! Woman, there is a Dunkin Donuts right down the damn street." And I was all OH YEAH, I'M RETARDED! I'm so going there for lunch. And for lunch, I mean my very first store-bought coffee ever. Oh muh gah I'm excited about that, and that makes me cry a little. On the inside.


Edit #2 (11:35AM): I'm starting to calm down now, but it seems really gradual this time. I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm a bit concerned, though, because now I just keep glancing at the clock, waiting for an acceptable hour to make the DD run. Like a crack addict. If they sold crack at Dunkin's. Hmm.


Edit #3 (12:51PM): I just returned from Dunkin Donuts with a medium cup of coffee. Yes, seriously. This is a bad sign. Did you know they make coconut coffee? Yeah, it doesn't really taste like coconut, but it is hella tasty. Also, please slap me for my use of "hella."

It's the Devil's juice...

Let me tell you a story about a little girl. Said little girl lived with her mother, but used to spend every other weekend over her grandfather's house. Grandfather was a slave to several vices, including gambling, smoking, and a funny little thing called coffee.

Little Girl was a curious little creature. She and Grandfather would watch television in the evenings, and when Grandfather would leave to make them some awesome buttery popcorn, Little Girl would steal a sip from his unsupervised coffee mug. Grandfather would pretend not to notice, despite Little Girl's shit-eating mischievous grin when he returned to the room.

Over time, Little Girl sneaked bigger and bigger sips, finally getting to the point where a half full coffee cup would become mysteriously empty. This may explain why she only grew to be 5'2", but that is another tale. Eventually, Grandfather took his mug with him, because he believed caffeine was unhealthy for sweet Little Girl.

I was, at most, five years old when this occurred. Since then, I have never had another drop of coffee... until today. Today, I decided that since I'd had only 3 hours of sleep and quite a few glasses of wine last night, I would choke down a cup of awful, awful coffee. And I grudgingly admit that I feel pretty good after having it.

But now I want another.

Look at it. Just sitting there, trying to be cute, trying to lure you in. Don't let it fool you. It's the Devil's juice, that stuff! It's all, "Yeah, you wanna drink me. Yeah, I'll make you feel good. Yeah, I taste pretty awful, but you get used to it. Yeah, do it. Have another. Dooooooooooooo it."

Well, you shut up, you monster! I don't have to listen! I can cover my ears and sit on the floor, rocking back and forth and singing under my breath to drown you out. Don't think I won't -- you don't know what I'm capable of!

To all non coffee drinkers: don't be tricked by the tricky coffee's tricky trickery. It's all a clever ruse for a conspiracy that I don't dare pretend to know what it is. Also, beware of tea -- I began drinking tea only a few months ago; it is a gateway beverage. It opens you up to other beverages. Consider this your warning.

Trust no drink.

Edit: It is now 12:06PM, and I am SUPER hyper. Like, bouncing my leg 75 times a minute hyper. This is awesome Beware the side effects!

Now I have to pee again.